Little jars of hope

I feel like this post has been a LONG time coming.  Not just between when I posted about our egg pickup to now, but since this whole process began two years ago.  I can't quite remember how far into things we were when I wrote about the pickup, but since then time has been flying by and we are well and truly on our way to parenthood.  

Our pickup was overly successful and very surprising to all involved, with a whopping 33 eggs collected.  All 33 were healthy enough to attempt fertilisation on Day 1.  By Day 2, 24 had fertilised!  We were amazed!  On Day 3 we were down to 19, and by Day 5 we nervously waited for a call from our scientist to give us the final numbers.  We had no idea what to expect.  No preempted number in our heads.  We told ourselves we'd be happy with four or more.  And at the rate the numbers were dropping, we weren't expecting too much higher than that.  Late on Day 5 Dr Scientist called me, "There's nine in complete blastocyst stage ready to freeze."  I was shocked.  "Nine?" I almost squealed back at him.  "Well, actually, if we leave them one more day, it'll probably be 10" he calmly replied.  We had one more little one on the verge of replication and it would take another 12hours of incubation to know for sure if it was viable or not.  That night, we went to bed and said our prayers.

Thank you, Lord, for hearing our prayers these long and restless months.

Thank you for never leaving us alone on our journey to parenthood,

For never doubting us, or our ability to create life.

Thank you for making IVF accessible to us,

For opening the many doors that led us to this one.

Watch over our little bundles in their tiny little jars,

Give them strength to stay the course,  

until we are able to bring them home to us.

Though they are so tiny and new, 

know that we have loved them long before they came to be.

And we can not wait to meet them.

Amen.

The next day, at around the same time, the phone rang.  "Congratulations Mrs Sunny, today we froze 10 of your blastocysts."  And their it was, the biggest answer to the biggest prayer Hubby and I have ever said.  We have 10 little em-babies all tucked in safe and sound, in tiny jars of two.  Ready and waiting for us.  Our little 'Boobals', as they are very affectionately called in the Sunny home.

The only thing stopping us from running over there and transferring a couple of them now is my blasted hormones.  We knew we'd have to wait one cycle for the storm in my belly to calm itself, but that may have been extended when I developed a new run of OHSS post period.  Something about the rush of new oestrogen in my system from a natural cycle has joined forces with the stimulated oestrogen.  I'm not really sure how it all works.  All I know is I felt worse after my period, than I did after the egg pickup.  BUT, I'm now on the speedy road to recovery, which means that hopefully in four weeks we can defrost some of our little Boobals.  So, watch this space!

 

  

The start of something VERY special

I have been meaning to sit down and start writing this post for about the last two weeks.  Instead, the days got the best of me and so now I am going to write it like the giant adventure it has been.  This post covers the last fortnight of our first IVF cycle, and so as not to bore you all too much, I'll write it like a journal entry.  Please excuse any misunderstood terminology, spelling errors, etc.   Obviously, this being our first IVF cycle, we are just getting used to all the jargon that goes with it.

Day 1: I get my period.  Weight = 59.5kg.  Waist = 76.5cm.

Day 2: Visit to the clinic to pick up my drugs (Gonal F and Orgalutran).  Start Gonal F injection 150mg daily.

Day 3: Gonal F 150mg

Day 4: Gonal F 150mg

Day 5: Gonal F 150mg

Day 6: Gonal F 150mg.  Also get infection in foot, start antibiotics.

Day 7: First follicle scan with Dr - approx. 20 follies.  Gonal F 150mg. Visit to Emergency Department for foot, antibiotic dose increased.

Day 8: Gonal F 150mg and Orgalutran 250mg.

Day 9: Gonal F 150mg and Orgalutran 250mg.  

Day 10: Second follicle scan with Dr - approx. 24 follies, ranging between 1.7-2cm each.  Approx. date for egg pick up Day 13.  Weight = 59.9kg.  Waist = 78cm.

Day 11: Visit clinic to pick up trigger injection (Ovidrel).  Gonal F 150mg and Orgalutran 250mg.  Ovidrel 250mcg at 6pm ON THE DOT! Weight = 60.6kg.  Waist = 81cm.

Day 12: No more drugs.  Fast from midnight for egg pick up tomorrow. Weight = 59.4kg.  Waist = 83cm.

Day 13:  Check in at hospital at 6am.  Greeted by Dr and scientist.  Am told that we will be going to "all freezing" cycle due to numbers and fluid retention.  Very highly Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).  Wake up following procedure with a number written on my hand (33)!  Hubby brings me home from hospital, feeling bloated and crampy but otherwise fine.

Day 14: Spend day on couch with abdo cramps, otherwise fine.  Call from scientist at clinic - confirmed 33 eggs collected.  23 in Day 1 fertilisation.  Hubby and I are in shock!  Weight = 61.4kg.  Waist = 84cm.

Day 15: TODAY!  Feeling slightly short of breath.  Trying to drink lots of water, but appetite and thirst gone down.  Call from Dr who is concerned I will balloon any time now.  Go for walk around local shopping centre and feeling much better.  Wearing TEDS (Thrombo-embolitic Device Stockings) to reduce risk of fluid shift to legs and prevent clots.  Weight = 62kg.  Waist = 84.2cm.

 
Hubby and I are completely blown away with the numbers that we have produced so far.  Going into this cycle we had so many reservations and questions (read past entries) about whether this would all work or not.  Having tried all other methods before IVF to get pregnant and coming up short, we were nervous that IVF would produce answers that were far too scary to hear; are my eggs any good, why can't our eggs and sperm fertilise, what if it's my uterus, etc, etc.  So when I woke and found that I had made 33 shining little eggs, I was gob-smacked!  And to hear a day later from the scientist, that 23 of those 33 were fertilising, is absolutely incredible to us!  We are in a complete state of shock and awe.

There have been a few minor set backs though.  To hear that my OHSS was so bad we couldn't even consider safely transferring embies back this cycle was very upsetting.  Already I feel attached to those 23 little cells working away in the lab.  I want them back to me as soon as I can have them.  BUT, we realise that this is only a minor bump in the road.  If we were to transfer now, I'd become very sick very quickly, and that would put our strong little embies at a great risk, not to mention me!  So, we take the news in our stride, buck ourselves up and prepare for the time when we can have them back.  Our doctor has recommended a minimum of two cycles (the end of this cycle, plus the next) before he'll consider my levels safe enough.  So that gives us approximately six to eight weeks for me to get back to full health, and to mentally prepare for our transfer.  At this point we are undecided as to how many we'll transfer.  The scientist will call us again at Days 3 and 5 of fertilisation to let us know how our little ones are growing.

Right now we are in emotional limbo.  It's such a funny place to be.  Knowing that our genes are snuggled up safely in a lab a few suburbs away, doing the very best they can to join together and create the beginning of our little offspring.  I want to go over there and press my face against the glass, and watch as they each take another tiny step towards viability.  I already feel like such a proud parent.  Our little ones are fighting to exist.  God has made all this possible.  He has heard our cries, heard our pleas of longing, and answered with a resounding YES, IT IS POSSIBLE!  My heart is filled with joy and excitement about what comes next.  Soon, very, very soon, it will be time to take our embies home!!
      
  

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Day 30

When I first decided to start this 30 Days of Grateful Blogging project I was stuck in a bit of a rut.  We were on a baby hiatus and felt like we were very literally getting nowhere in our attempts to have a family.  My job was stressful in ways that were affecting every other part of my life.  And Hubby was struggling with coming to terms with our inevitable step towards IVF.  I wanted to find a way to focus on something other than myself, on my troubles and dig myself out of the misery that was building around me.  I wanted to show the world I wasn't ungrateful for the blessings I was receiving and not acknowledging.  I had been far too vain and ignorant for far too long.  There were so many beautiful things in my life, and I was just passing them off like they didn't mean a thing.  But I was wrong.  Boy, I was I so very wrong.

When you choose to focus on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative something magical happens... you start to see beauty in EVERYTHING and EVERYONE!!  I started waking with a purpose of intentionally finding something lovely to be thankful for.  The first few entries were easy to write.  Sunny days, phone calls from friends, cuddles with my Husband; all the simple things I am so grateful for.  But it became so much bigger than me, and my immediate sphere.  It became about growing as a person; someone who doesn't need constant entertaining or huge acts of universal kindness to be grateful for what's right here in front of me everyday.  

I would drive to work and just lose myself in the glorious sunrise shining across the city at 6.30am every morning.  I would sit on the couch and find myself thinking how content I am with my little home and the two amazing creatures I share it with.  I would pay more attention to the conversations I had with friends, take more time to spend with them, and really just try and be a good friend.  I found myself saying quiet "thank you's" that only God could hear, several times a day when I felt like I was having a special moment just for me.  I told my Husband I loved him, a million times a day, and why he was so darn incredible in my eyes.  I let my guard down around him; was my real self, and he was his.  We loved, like we haven't in such a long time; with no agenda, no rules.  Just us.  

So here we are, 30 (or so) days later... We are about to embark on one of the most exciting times in our lives.  Hubby has just started back at uni, and I am about to start a new chapter at work doing something I've waited a long time to get into.  AND we just started our first IVF cycle.  And the best part is that we're both comfortable and 100% ready for it all!  It will be a lot to take on all at once, and for the tiniest time we were worried it was all too much at once.  But the time we have taken away from everything baby-making has brought us together, stronger and sturdier than before.  I am grateful now for that time we took.  For very, very soon, all our waiting will be over!

So though this project was only ever meant to be 30 days long, it is something that I will keep close to my heart and mind for the rest of my life.  Wake up every day searching for something beautiful.  Even if you are having a bad day, look for the little things that can turn it around.  It can be a person, a kind word, a funny picture, a song that sings your thoughts, a cuddle, or your cat!

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Day 29

This week I got a phone call from a very dear friend of mine.  A girl who I have known since I was 11, have grown up with, and who I love as my own sister.  We talk all the time, but it's usually through Facebook or text message.  So when she rang my phone, I knew it was an important call.  She was ringing to tell me that her Mum, Deb, had just been diagnosed with a tumour in her lung, after four years in remission from breast cancer.  She told me that Deb was going in for further tests, but her xray had shown a rather large dark spot and it didn't look good.  Everyone was in shock.

The following day she rang me again, to let me know that Deb was being admitted into the private sector of the hospital I work in.  Deb was to have a biopsy and further PET scanning, and that she would ring me when she was back in her room.  I made my way over to them after work.  I hadn't visited my friend in about a year or so, but it made no difference to us, we loved each other all the same.  We sat and chatted about Deb's options, what the doctors thought the prognosis might be, and what she wanted to do with her treatment.  We talk about their family, and about how they wanted to celebrate whatever time they all had left together.  I was so glad that I was there.

The next day Deb went in for the tests. I sat with my friend in the hospital room, waiting for her Mum to be delivered back to her.  Doctors came and spoke with them, and explained the spread of the tumours was systemic.  There were dark spots in nearly all of her major organs and large bones.  It was devastating!  This beautiful woman, who a long time ago I called my Second-Mum, and is so full of life, was now fighting to save it.  The doctor couldn't give her a time frame, nor a treatment plan, until all the biopsy results were back the following week.  The only comfort they were granted is that there are medications that can slow the growth and hopefully give them more time together.  I held my friend, cried with her and her family.  This simply was not fair.

That night, as I sat crying on my bed, describing to Hubby the day just gone, I asked him to tell me what I should do.  I felt useless.  There was no way I could help them.  No way I could make any of it easier.  My heart was breaking, so I couldn't imagine how they must feel.  I told him how they had started talking about ways to share the rest of Deb's life; the adventures they wanted to have before it was too late.  And he asked me what I could do to help with that, and so I remembered a conversation I'd have with Deb's sister about wanting nice family photos to hold onto.  This was something I could give them.

I sent an email to my beloved Zan, from Zanabelle Photography.  I explained that I wanted to gift them portraits shot by her.  I wouldn't trust anyone else with such an important, very personal task.  Zan wrote me back, saying it would be her honour to help me help them.  And that she would do it all in the name of love.  I was moved to tears.  

Today, and always, I am grateful for my friends.  My friends mean the absolute world to me.  They are generous, kind and selfless.  I am truly touched that one will help me give to another.  Zan is helping me give Deb a gift that her family can treasure for a life time.  A picture they can look upon and remember the beautiful life she lived.  And a picture Deb too can look upon and know she was never alone.  

I am grateful for the years I spent in Deb's care.  Messing about with my friend, taking over living rooms with our sleeping bags, eating her out of house and home, and for loving me as her own.  This life she is living will be cut far too short.   But it has also been a wonderful life, full of family and friends.  I am grateful I get to share that.

           

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Days 27 and 28

This week we've been lucky enough to have Hubby's parents staying with us.  The live in a rural area of North Queensland, so we don't get to go up there often and visit them.  That fact doesn't matter much, because with their work schedules and traveling for conferences, they are in Brisbane about once every month or so.  It's a bit of a running joke between Hubby and I actually, that we see them more now they've moved further away, then when they lived a short drive down the road.  Our spare room is pretty much always in use by one or more members of the family.  And strangely enough, they are always here just when we need them most.

This has been a really long, hard and emotional week.  IVF stuff aside, we learned of a dear friends newest battle, Hubby's job is going nowhere and I am currently in the middle of negotiating my own work possibilities.  I think I have spoken before about how Hubby's family are pastors for the Salvation Army.  So when things get rough, and they are conveniently staying at our house, they are always a great source of inspiration and insight.  We rely on them quite a lot and they have never failed us.  

We are grateful for you, MooMa and Dad.  We are thankful for your love and support.  We are grateful for all that you offer us, never expecting anything in return.  

 

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Day 26

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned.  It has been 10 days since my last blog.  I am massively behind with my gratefulness.  So the next five days worth may be a little out of order, but they were written on my phone as they happened.  So here goes...

Having shared our good news about starting IVF with our families last week, we have received many wishes of success and love from many of them.  Many of them have known our story from the start, while some of them have only just found out.  My parents are among those who have only known the dot points of our journey.  This isn't because we don't love or trust them, it's mostly because we didn't really think they would understand.  

The relationship I have had with my parents since I married Hubby has been tenuous at best.  They thought I was too young to marry, too naive to be tied down, and too quick to "give up" my personal goals.  They didn't quite understand that one of my goals was to marry my best friend, and start my own family.  Instead, work and career was the dream they saw for me.  So when we married and sailed off on our own adventure, the relationship I had with my Mum grew strained and distant.  I never stopped loving her, and missed her companionship, but our chats became negative and our time together unpleasant.  So I made the decision to take a parental time-out.  Spending time trying to make them realise how happy I was, was too hard a job.  I was wearing thin and it was effecting everything about me, including my new marriage.

Letting go for a time was the best thing I did for us.  When my parent's needed us they knew they could call, and vise-versa.  But we kept a distance until we were all ready to have an adult, relaxed and accepting relationship.  They came to terms with Hubby as one of the family, and not the man who stole their daughter away.  I came to accept that my parent's will never change, and I a choice to either listen to their opinions or ignore them without it upsetting me.  This came in very useful when we had our miscarriage, and my parent's soothingly explained that it was for the best, as we weren't ready to be parents yet.

So over a phone call this week, as I told Mum that we were heading into IVF as we couldn't become parents on our own, she surprised me.  She was upset that she hadn't heard of our struggle sooner; upset FOR us, and not about me not telling her.  She offered us money, which we didn't accept, and more importantly she offered us prayers for success and told me how we'd both make wonderful parents.  You have no idea how touching it was to hear those words.

I am grateful for acceptance.  I am grateful for maturing relationships.  I am grateful for offers of kindness. 

 

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Day 24 and 25

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN!

According to my home OPK I'm ovulating!!  Two months in a row, and this time I'm a bit earlier than expected.  So what does that mean?  Well, it means that in two weeks times I'll get my period AND I'll start the drugs for round one of IVF!  

At first I was super nervous that I was ovulating (?) early because it meant the house move and treatment would all start at once.  But, now we're not moving anymore and I'm super excited that we may get to have a little bit of a head start with it all.  PLUS, remember how I said that my doc was going away around the time we'd have to transfer embies?  Well, that shouldn't even be an issue now!  YAY!!

So if my pee sticks are correct and I ovulate in the next day or two, we'll be looking at starting drugs around June 4th and transferring about week later.  Let the biggest, most wonderfully, terrifyingly exciting countdown of our lives begin!

EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!

What's not to be grateful about that?!?!?!

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Day 22 and 23

Ok, so house hunting is a nightmare!  We have been to eight open houses, applied to live in about six of those, and have been given no reply to any of them.  Each open house we went to there were Mums and Dads holding screaming newborns and fidgeting toddlers.  We really had no chance at all.  But I was determined not to let it get me down.  We were going to find the place for us!!

Now I do have to clarify one thing: we didn't HAVE to move.  I've said it a million times before, we love our home.  The reason why we decided it was time to is because we are squishing an office, music room and guest bed into our one spare room.  When the time comes to bring a baby home from the hospital there won't be too much free space to put a beautiful crib.  So, being the pain merchant that I am, I convinced poor ol' Hubby that the best plan was to move now; before I get big and pregnant, before there is three of us, while we have some cash sitting around. 

So we searched and searched, we upped our usual charm and spoke to agents and current tenants, traveled all over Brisbane, and we still have come up with nothing.  As we sat defeated on our lounge on Thursday night, and looked around at the home we have made and come to love more than anywhere else on the world, we made a decision.  We don't HAVE to move, and deep down we didn't really WANT to move either, so we're not going to move. At least, not right now.  

Instead we are going to have the biggest clean up and clean out this place has seen in the three years we've been here.  All our wonderful sorting and donating we'd already done prior to packing boxes would continue until we have streamlined our belongings down to the essentials.  So far we've donated over two car-fulls of clothing, homewares, and furniture to the local Salvation Army.  We have also thrown away the same amount of rubbish.  Don't ask me why we held onto any of this stuff for as long as we did, because I simply don't know!  All I do know is that it is truly invigorating to throw things away.

The last two days we have totally redesigned our second bedroom.  No longer is the guest bed pushed into the corner, surrounded by Hubby's music equipment and wall to wall book shelves.  Instead, it is neatly made (new linen and all), sitting proudly in the middle of the room, with floor space to spare.  The book shelves have been tidied, the carpet shampooed and drapes washed.  Now it feels like a real guest bedroom.  Hubby's music gear still lives there too, but it no longer takes up the majority of space.  One day, there might even be enough room for a crib!

I love our home, and I am falling in love with it all over again as we start to shape it into a family environment.  I am grateful that we don't have to move.  I am grateful to be able to help others by donating our things.  I am grateful to be able to start fresh.