It feels like weeks since I last blogged something real. Maybe because it actually has been. Two weeks really, those damn two excruciating weeks wait, that have come and gone and we still know nothing more. Two weeks when sleeping a night through has felt impossible and all I could think about was more waiting.
I'm now Day 33 of this cycle. That's approximately 19 days since I ovulated, 3 days longer than my Doc wanted this cycle to go for, 2 days short of 5 weeks and WAY too much time to be wondering what the heck is going on, if anything. I have peed on home pregnancy tests and they've come back negative. I have kept taking my basal temperatures and they are still elevated. My boobs are sore, my skin looks awful and I'm more bloated than I've ever been! Oh, and this morning I had some spotting and I feel like I've got menstrual cramps, but this evening the spotting is gone and the cramps are worse.
WHAT THE HECK DOES IT ALL MEAN?
I was talking with one of my best girlfriends the other night, who I haven't seen in person since we started all this infertility run-around, and she asked me "Are you OK with it all?" I gave her my stock-standard answer of "Guess we have to be, we're making it work." Problem is, I don't think I am...
To be really honest, I haven't exactly let myself think beyond each cycle. Our Doc says it's best to focus on the weeks ahead, not the months. But if this cycle doesn't work out, we've been trying to get pregnant for eight months with no luck. It's only this week that this is all really catching up to me. Is it the extra hormones, is it just that I've chosen not think about it in terms of how long since we started, or did I just not realise? Maybe it's the idea that we would almost have our baby by now if we hadn't lost it. Either way, it's hitting home now and it's packing a punch.
So, as I sit here writing about it all, with my abdomen in cramps and brain in reflection mode, I can tell you I feel mad that it's ALL out of my control. I feel upset that I'm 25 and unable to produce an egg on my own. I feel weak because I'm letting it all get to me. I feel unworthy of my beautiful husband and his healthy reproductive system. And to top it all off, I feel ungrateful for looking at it like that because I KNOW he doesn't, and that's a big reason to feel blessed. But I want to cry, I want to scream at the top of my lungs how cheated I feel by my own stupid body, I want to beg God to hurry up, and I don't want to hear my time will come soon, because I want it now!
Is that OK world? Can you handle that for a while? Can two loving, responsible adults have their child now?
No...?
Yes...?
Alright, we continue to wait for an answer.
:( Sorry I missed your message on FB last night!! If it helps, your symptoms are sounding very positive! Like I said, I had a lot of cramping with both of mine around the 5 week mark. I'm sorry that it's a rough road you're on right now. But you do know that it will make you appreciate that baby when it does eventually decide to come! :) I wish I could tell you to relax & try not to think about it so much, but I know that's not going to happen. It feels like forever now, but it's really not that long. You should know for sure at least in a week, right? When are you seeing the Doc? Love you so much!
ReplyDeleteSunny, I know the exactly where you are at. Exactly where you are coming from, the grief you feel, the angst, anger and pain... and exactly how much it can break your heart. You know me personally, know my infertility journey and know where I am at now and how truly blessed I feel (though just as physically uncomfortable). Nothing can be said or done to take away the pain you feel now, but we can all be here to support you through it. And whilst its a dark place to be, you will get through it. Individually and together. Don't be afraid or too proud to ask for support from your friends or seek out how others' coping strategies and see if they work for you. We all love you, wish you all the positive energy you deserve, and are here for you if you need us. You know my number if you ever want to sit and cry/chat/laugh/coffee/knit/scream/shout. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Sunny, You do not know me and I don't know you but we are very connected. I am just starting this whole process. I don't have any advice for you but I can offer you some comfort. Please know that you are not alone. Know that women all over the world are feeling the same way and that you are making a big difference in many lives. Thank you for sharing your story. When I began researching PCOS and trying to have a better understanding of it I felt relieved to have a diagnosis. To know that I wasn't "sterile." To see that there was hope... I look at my amazing husband and think how much I want to give him. I think how supportive he is, that he is so patient with me as I try to figure out my own body and how when I break down and say what if we can't have kids...what if "I" can't give you a child? He says without even flinching..."then we'll adopt." Seek comfort in each other. God has a plan so much greater than we can ever understand. Take refuge in His love. And know that you will have a beautiful child... Until then, we will all be here.... :)
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