Apology to a pregnant friend

I read this beautifully articulated post by the amazing Janelle Moran "Why me?" the other day, and it saddened me that I related to it in a very close and profound way.  It also made me realise, that sometimes our acts of self-preservation as an infertile person, can come across as cold and misunderstood to those around us.  Especially our pregnant friends.  So I wanted to take a little bit of time to say something to my pregnant and trying friends and loved ones.

I love you!  You are my friend, and we have been that way for a long time or a short time, but always a great time.  I am so happy for your happiness.  I wished it for you as hard as your wished it for yourselves.  And I will keep that same wish alive, no matter my personal circumstances.  

I apologise if my actions or words towards you during this wonderful, emotional, exciting time in your life has felt cold and distant, that is not how I truly feel, nor will it ever be.  I do not deny that I have kept a distance on days when I have felt less than 100 percent able to give you my fullest, most loving attention.  I do this not to hurt you, but to not hurt myself.  Your blossoming belly is a magical and amazing thing to watch, as it expands with your growing baby, and there will be times that I too, want to feel the kicks from within.  But there will be others, when I walk away from the crowds of cooing women who adore you.  

I want to share your joy in buying beautiful nursery items and sweet baby clothing, but I will not join you in the baby section and maternity clothing aisles.  I will wait patiently to the side, distracting myself from the pain that those soft fabrics bring to my heart.  

I will send you gifts, lovingly purchased and wrapped, with my fondest wishes written inside the card, for you and your new precious bundle.  And I will mean every single word I wrote.  But I may cry to myself about not sharing your joy as you hold your new one close to you.

I will offer to mind, cuddle and hold your little one while you are busy managing nappy changes, feeding time and a pram full of mummy equipment. And I will look into your child's eyes and fall in-love with them. But my heart will break as I hand them back to you, their mummy, so you can attend their needs.

The sadness in my heart does not take away from the love I have towards you, the excitement I share with you for your grand adventure, or the continuing friendship we will share.  My sadness is my own.  And I am working on separating it far from everything else, so that I may be able to fully enjoy your pregnancy with you.  

And I know, my true friend, that you wish grand things for me too.  We have shared our desire to parent side by side, and we will, one day.  But right now, it is your turn.  And I AM happy for you.

So I leave you with this...  On the days when I seem far away, the days when I am not 100 percent supportive, the days I seem bitter or jealous; please remember I love you, and I'm sorry.   

Waiting for something beautiful

So the reason I started this blog today is because it's been a day of reflection for me and hubby.  Today we found out that round two of medications hasn't yet kick-started my ovaries like the doctor thought it would. And so we're back to waiting and trying higher doses and saying more prayers.  

I think being the age I am, having a doctor tell us that the method he thought would be successful isn't working, is a bit of a kick in the gutts.  I'm not saying it's the worst news we've had and it's not something we can't get over, but it's hard to hear nonetheless.

I must admit I'm pretty darn clueless when it comes to fertility and women's health issues in general.  We didn't even know I had PCOS until we couldn't get pregnant.  So this is very much a surprise and a lesson for us day to day. In the last seven months I have learned how to count days, keep charts of temperatures, predict ovulation dates and manage symptoms.  That in itself is a pretty major lesson!  

In the last three months I've discovered what fertility drugs are used for certain conditions, which medications we'll be on and for how long, and what happens if they don't work.  I've physically felt a wonderful range of normal, great, bloated, crampy, moody and some days like my body is not my own.  Emotionally is about the same.  We have really positive days and then there's ones like today where something someone says, a song, a book, can make me cry.

There are days when talking to people is the best remedy, and days when you're sick of hearing "you're so young, just relax and it'll happen". I'm SURE I'm not the first person to hate hearing that phrase.

Hubby is so good to me.  He takes the mood swings, the crying, the obsessive bouts of house-cleaning and bake-a-thons that can occur on any given day.  He knows when to give me space, when to hold me tight, the right things to say and can pray like no one else I have ever met!

I believe with all my heart that when God chooses to send us a baby He will.  This is yet another area I have learned to accept and embrace.  The things we want now may not be in His plan...just yet.  Don't get me wrong, there are days I am frustrated by this!  And days when God and I argue about whose timing is best. BUT our faith is strong and it's keeping us going.  Our baby is coming, I know it!