100th Post-iversary - Little sparks

This is my 100th post on SunnySideUp!  I have wanted to write it for a while and celebrate it as the massive milestone it feels like, but nothing seemed worthy enough to write about...Until five days ago that is.

After two years (almost to the day) of tears, trials, medications, calendar counting and a whole lot of hoping, we finally feel like we have hit a milestone in our attempts to get pregnant and start our family.  After two years of trying everything we could, and everything that was thrown at us, we had 10 little frozen embryos and a date for our first transfer.  

Getting a date alone was a big deal for us.  This cycle got off to a very rocky start.  I had multiple scans to check uterine lining, and at the end of every one the amount of stimulant medication, Progynova, I was taking was increased.  We finally got to the desired 8mm thickness on Day 15 of the cycle and was commenced on Crinone twice a day to ensure that the progress we'd made didn't melt away.  Our transfer date was set for five days later, on Day 20.

I don't really know what we were expecting for transfer day.  I'm not sure what other people have envisioned their transfers would be like either.  But ours was nothing like the movie that played out in my dreams the night before.  We arrived at the IVF clinic at lunch time and were taken in the consult room by a lovely lady named Rhiannon.  She turned out to be our Embryologist.  She sat us down and went through the process of how it'd all work.  We signed more release forms about the risks of multiple pregnancy, infections, negative pregnancy tests, etc.  And then she slid an envelope across the table.  "These are your embryos" she explained.  "You can open it now and have a look, or you can save it til later when you're alone."  Hubby reached for envelope without a second thought and pulled out two photographs.  OUR embryos.  Two little balls of cells, so different from each other, and yet so alike and so precious.  As Hubby sat mesmorised by the photos, I was mesmorised by him.  A look of such calm, such pride, such love came over his face.  Before I could hold them back, the tears began to fall.  Here they were!  Finally our little ones are coming home with us today.  

Soon after, we were led into a softly lit room with the procedure bed.  I undressed and wrapped myself in the drape and climbed into the familiar chair.  The room was warm, and there was music in the background.  It felt nothing like the cold clinic I'd expected.  As I looked up I could see two large flat screens hanging from either wall.  There was an ultrasound machine beside me.  Hubby held my hand as Rhiannon and our doc came in through to modesty curtain to make sure I was settled.  They would be making sure our embryos made it to the warmest, squishiest part of my uterus.  Another nurse, Kate, would hold the ultrasound over my belly so we could watch as the catheter went in first, followed by the syringe holding our little ones.  

It really was quite amazing.  Each little embryo emitted its own little sparks of light as they flitted off the end of the syringe into my uterus.  And there, on the big screen overhead, we saw our embryos float side-by-side inside me.  I turned and looked over at Hubby, who had my hand firmly in his, his eyes glued to the screen and his mouth open in awe.  Kate quickly printed off an ultrasound picture of the little sparks before they faded into the dark uterine wall.  Later, in the car on the way home, we hugged our photos to our chests and said a very big prayer.  The rest now, is up them.

Two days later we set of to the coast for a bit of wedding anniversary beach side luxury.  A perfect way to try and take our minds of the next two excruciating weeks of waiting until we can do a pregnancy test.

In the meantime, I will be logging off SunnySideUp for just a wee while.  I have decided that in order to preserve whatever time we have waiting for these little embryos to make up their minds, I must focus all my time, attention and love on my family.  I will be back though, with whatever news the next few months may bring us.

I want to thank you all for your support, for your prayers, and for your kind words.  You have brought brightness to our dark days, and shared in our good.  You are all in our thoughts as well. And I wish you every success for where ever you are on your own paths to parenthood. 

Thank you, always,

Sunny xx  

 

    

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Day 21

Today, after two months of our 'baby hiatus', we finally went back to see our doctor.  After the longest stint between appointments we've ever had, he was surprised to see us.  First thing he asked as we walked in the door was if we'd been away so long because we'd had good news, we both laughed.  Nope, not THAT good news anyway.

So the idea of this appointment was mostly so that Hubby and I could sit down with him together, since it's such a rare occasion that happens, and discuss what comes next for us.  Obviously, despite the fact that we make good eggs (while on meds) and great sperm, we just can't put two and two together.  So IVF is the next option.  The thing I love most about our doc is he never assumes what we want, he always asks first what we've been thinking.  So when we said we were ready for IVF, he simply smiled and nodded.  

We sat in his office for about half an hour, while we calculated when my period was due next, then when I'd start meds, and then scanning and egg pickup.  He explained that he'd make sure we got this all done before he went on his annual leave in July.  Adding that if the cycle did run long, we'd have a joint consult with his colleague who would take us on, so we didn't have to wait til he got back.   He then made us an appointment at the nurses clinic to discuss medication cycles, and to help us with payment options.  

We had a chance to finally air some of our biggest concerns, such as egg collection numbers (how many was too many, or too little), whether we'd do IVF or ICSI (IVF for us), and what he recommended about transfer numbers.  Overall, it was a really great appointment.  I know going into it, we were both uncertain about a lot of things.  I guess in our minds all we could think about was that it was such a big step up from IUI, and how our finances might impede how quickly we could try IVF, and keep trying if we needed to.  But now we feel much more settled.  I think as this last few weeks count down we will become far less uncertain, and far more excited about what a huge step in the right direction this is.  

So today I am grateful for our doctor.  I am grateful for God's direction, because it led us to his office and into his care.  I am grateful that my Husband kept his mind and heart open to accepting what needed to come next.  I am grateful for the time we've had away from this all-consuming part of our lives to just be together.  And I am grateful for HOPE!  Without which, we would not have made it this far.  And now the journey really begins...

 

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Day 8

*Written in retrospect*

Today I am 14 days post ovulation.  I have been feeling crappy all week with cramps and swelling and back pain, but we have made it this far.  The day started off well with all of these symptoms actually going away.  I got up, got ready for work, put in my liner (just in case) and headed to work. Work was rubbish; super busy, no lunch break.  But I made it to knock off time relatively unscathed.  I spent the day running in and out of the bathroom "just to check" I hadn't started bleeding.  I did one last mad dash to the loo as I was leaving work, so I wouldn't pee myself on the drive home, and there is was: spotting.  Damn it!!

I felt instantly deflated!  14 days in and still this happens...  I tried not to let it get to me straight away.  I tried to convince myself it was just implant spotting or merely my imagination.  As I was driving home though, the real cramping started.  I told Hubby what was going on and he recommended I go have a warm shower and take a nap, so I did.  When I woke up a couple of hours later, the spotting was heavier and darker.  I messaged our Mum... "Say a big prayer for us" I begged.  And so, with all of Hubby's family present, they did.  I posted on my FB page the same, and the responses were instant.

Today, I am grateful to have such a wonderful, willing, support network.  This amazing group of people who stand by us, pray for us, care for us.  This may or may not be our turn, but we know we have people who will drop everything and call to the heaven's for our cause.  I am grateful for your support.

This time in our lives

This morning, on the way out of the door after a long night shift at work, one of my closest friends pulled me in for a hug.  A real, warm, body squeezing hug.  The kind only family feel comfortable giving.  Such a small thing means so much at the moment.  

Now you may want to excuse me while I rant, complain and eventually philosophise for a while.  You see, things aren't as fabulous in the Sunny household at the moment as they would usually be.  We're pretty rock-solid kind of people, me and the Hubby.  It takes a fair bit to shake us and break our spirit.  I know this is because of our faith in the Lord and His plans for us.  But recently we have been shaken.  

I still find it amazing how quickly the idea of having babies takes over your life.  12 months ago we just wanted to know why we'd lost an unexpected pregnancy. Today, knowing that we can't have children without fertility treatments, our lives are planned around expected ovulation dates, doctors visits, medication cycles.  Sex isn't always the fun, spontaneous sex it used to be.  Somedays we just do it because we HAVE to!  And with our doc dumping our first FSH cycle to go on holidays instead, we've decided to self-medicate our way through one more round of Clomid (150mg days 3-7) and hope for the best!  But like every month before this, the Clomid is causing havoc in my system.  Blurred vision, migraines, insomnia and extreme sweating.  Physically my nerves are on edge and emotionally I'm a blubbering fool!  Poor Hubby!


Add into the mix the fact that neither of us can take holidays until next January, making it 13 months since our last time off together!  Hubby's job sucks!  Well, not his job, his boss.  Hubby works in the music industry and specialises in brass band and student musician instruments.  He LOVES this, always has and always will.  When he first got this job after we'd just gotten married, his boss promised him independence, educational opportunities to enhance his own managerial skills and music technique, and yearly wage negotiations.  And after over 18 months working there, he's yet to see any of these promises come to life.  Instead he spends his days on the telephone to angry suppliers who are waiting for payments from his boss.  His patience, credibility and love of the industry are fading quickly.  He hates going there every day and I hate seeing what it's doing to his confidence.  He's currently waiting to hear back from over five other jobs he's applied for.  Isn't more waiting just what we need?!?!

So it just kind of feels like one thing after another for us.  So much negativity!  So much bad news!  So many struggles all at once!  And yet, daily we tell each other something we know to be true,

 "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it."

~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

(The Message translation)

And it's probably not the best idea for an already overly sensitive, hormonal wench such as myself to listen the likes of Adele at full volume on the way to work in the middle of the night, BUT I'm glad I did.  In her song "Someone like you" there's a beautiful phrase,

"Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste." 

This got me thinking...  Some day we'll look back at this time in our lives and remember how much stronger it made us both as individuals.  How strongly it cemented us together as a couple.  How great our love for each other grew during the hardest of times, when it could have so easily thrown us apart.  How many of our family and friends rallied around us to help us feel comforted and never alone.  And how HUGE our hearts have grown because of all these things.  

Our children, when they eventually come into our lives, will be born into parents and family who have prayed for them for many years prior to their delivery.  Who love them more than life itself. And who will never let them feel anything less than loved, adored and COMPLETELY accepted by their parents.

Our struggle today will make us better parents tomorrow.  I promise that to myself and to my husband.  Our worries today will some day be gone or replaced or forgotten.  But these struggles will not be the thing that defines us, how much we stayed true to each other and God will.

So I wonder how Adele and God like their collaboration for my reflection?  Sometimes we might see something like a certain song on the radio at a certain time as just coincidence.  I prefer to think it's God handing me a lifeline. 

Love to you all, strength for your struggles and God Bless xx  

Beginning of the baby-lust

Ok, time for some sharing.  Since I'm potentially 2 days post ovulation and feeling a little reminiscent of our last impending pregnancy test results seven months ago, I thought I'd share a bit of our back-story.

We've only known about my PCOS since January this year.  Prior to that we just thought that making a baby was taking a little time because I was on the pill for over 10 years.  Hubby and I had our baby plans made long before we were married; we want four children, mostly boys, wanted to be married for more than two years before we started trying to get pregnant and wanted our babies to come to us naturally, as beautiful little surprises from God.  But, what's that saying, we make plans and God laughs?   I don't say that facetiously, I just look at the process we're in now and can understand why that saying is so true! 

Our baby-lust REALLY started in October 2010.  We had been married 13 months and I had been off the pill for about two months, mostly just because I was forgetting to take it.  My period was WAY late and yet all our at home pregnancy tests were coming back negative.  I was nauseated, swollen, tender in all the obvious places and yet all tests looked negative.   I on the other hand was convinced of the opposite.  I could just feel a change in myself and tried to convince hubby I wasn't crazy!  My doctor took a set of blood tests, but being a Friday, we couldn't get the results until the following Monday.    

On Saturday night I went to bed feeling overly moody and sore, and tried to get some sleep before my shift at work on Sunday morning.  I did not sleep well.  I kept having dreams of babies, people taking babies away from me and crying.  I woke in tears, to find I was bleeding quite heavily.  Oh well, I thought, guess I'm not pregnant.  

I don't usually have heavy periods, and when the cramping became unbearable and the bleeding got heavier, I became worried.  I went home, got into my PJ's, grabbed my heat pack and climbed into bed exhausted.  I must have slept six hours that afternoon.  It was only when hubby came in to find me for dinner at 9pm did we both realise something just wasn't as it should be.  BUT what could we do, all our testing had been negative and the doctor wouldn't call until the morning.  

Sunday night was the worst... I slept very little, having nightmares the same as the previous night about someone taking my baby away.  I was hysterical!  I don't think I've ever seen hubby look so sad and scared as he did that night.  There was just an overwhelming feeling of loss, grief and sadness.

Well Monday morning came around.  I couldn't wait any longer and called the doctor.  The bloods were positive, I was or had been pregnant.  We were experiencing a miscarriage.  I knew even less then, than I do now about the science behind fertility and reproduction.  I tried to pinpoint the tiniest details that could have caused us to lose a baby.  But, as I found out, these things happen so often to so many people, it's too hard to tell.  We now know it was probably caused by the hormone imbalances of PCOS.

Since then, the desire to have a child has only gotten stronger.  It's hard to describe how quickly one thought can take over your whole life!  So, as we count the days post our most recent egg release, I become more and more excited, and yet terrified at the same time.  Who knows what will happen this time around?  Who knows if this will be THE cycle and THE egg?  Like I've said before, all we can do now is wait and pray a LOT!

Waiting for something beautiful

So the reason I started this blog today is because it's been a day of reflection for me and hubby.  Today we found out that round two of medications hasn't yet kick-started my ovaries like the doctor thought it would. And so we're back to waiting and trying higher doses and saying more prayers.  

I think being the age I am, having a doctor tell us that the method he thought would be successful isn't working, is a bit of a kick in the gutts.  I'm not saying it's the worst news we've had and it's not something we can't get over, but it's hard to hear nonetheless.

I must admit I'm pretty darn clueless when it comes to fertility and women's health issues in general.  We didn't even know I had PCOS until we couldn't get pregnant.  So this is very much a surprise and a lesson for us day to day. In the last seven months I have learned how to count days, keep charts of temperatures, predict ovulation dates and manage symptoms.  That in itself is a pretty major lesson!  

In the last three months I've discovered what fertility drugs are used for certain conditions, which medications we'll be on and for how long, and what happens if they don't work.  I've physically felt a wonderful range of normal, great, bloated, crampy, moody and some days like my body is not my own.  Emotionally is about the same.  We have really positive days and then there's ones like today where something someone says, a song, a book, can make me cry.

There are days when talking to people is the best remedy, and days when you're sick of hearing "you're so young, just relax and it'll happen". I'm SURE I'm not the first person to hate hearing that phrase.

Hubby is so good to me.  He takes the mood swings, the crying, the obsessive bouts of house-cleaning and bake-a-thons that can occur on any given day.  He knows when to give me space, when to hold me tight, the right things to say and can pray like no one else I have ever met!

I believe with all my heart that when God chooses to send us a baby He will.  This is yet another area I have learned to accept and embrace.  The things we want now may not be in His plan...just yet.  Don't get me wrong, there are days I am frustrated by this!  And days when God and I argue about whose timing is best. BUT our faith is strong and it's keeping us going.  Our baby is coming, I know it!