What a let down!

Today was pre-transplant scan day.  The day that had been marked in our calendars the moment we froze our embryos.  And then circled that date so we wouldn't forget, wouldn't double book ourselves, would plan our day and week around.  As we drove to the clinic this morning a very subtle, but very true feeling of nervousness kicked up in my stomach.  Hubby noticed straight away and grabbed my hand from my lap, trying to calm me.  There was so much riding on this appointment.  So many months of patience and heart ache that had led us to this day; the day that would decide when our embryos would come home to me, to start their new life.

We didn't wait long before we were called into his office.  With a warm hug and handshake for us both we sat and awaited our fates.  He explained how he'd recently been named one of the most successful IVF specialists in our state, and that his rate of pregnancy post frozen transfer was higher than any of his colleagues.  He was proving to us that our faith in him was not misplaced.  And he was already right, we trust him 100 percent.  The rest was up to us!

It wasn't long before my undies were off, and my legs were up in stirrups (we all know that awkward position).  As he scooted the ultrasound probe round my lady regions staring intently at the screen, his face looked puzzled.  "What day are you again?" he asked.  "Day 11" I replied quietly.  Hmmm....  And then he looked at me with that face he gives, that face I know all too well means something's not quite right, and explained that I had no signs of follicle growth, and no build up in uterine lining.  Which basically means my hormones are still not behaving and my body is not produced oestrogen to the level that would produce an ovulation.  Without those hormones, my body wouldn't recognise an embryo and provide a nice warm uterus for it to attach to.

I wiped off the ultrasound jelly, pulled my pants back on, and sat back down at his desk avoiding Hubby's gaze.  I knew he was disappointed, and if I looked at him now I would lose the ability to hold it all together.  Doc went on to outline a new plan of attack for us.  As of the beginning of next cycle I'd go on hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  A combination of drugs to build up my uterus and invoke an ovulation.  BUT it didn't involve Clomid (thank goodness)!  In order to get back to Day 1 without too much messing about, I'll be back of progesterone tablets to force my period to start, which should only take about seven to 10 days.   The HRT will then take about 12 to 14 days, at which point we can rescan for possible transfer dates.

The ride home from the doctors was a quiet one, save for my crying and Hubby's ragged breathing as he too tried to hide his tears.  24 more days!  It may not seem like a long time to many, but to us it is yet another lifetime to live through.  Another slow and painful wait until our fate is yet again called up for deciding.  

In 26 days we have booked our very first weekend getaway together in over two and a half years.  In 32 days it is our third Wedding Anniversary.  In 59 days we will mark the second Anniversary of the loss of our first pregnancy, and the beginning of our battle with infertility.  So 24 days may feel like a short time for some, but to us it is torture.

     

 

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Day 21

Today, after two months of our 'baby hiatus', we finally went back to see our doctor.  After the longest stint between appointments we've ever had, he was surprised to see us.  First thing he asked as we walked in the door was if we'd been away so long because we'd had good news, we both laughed.  Nope, not THAT good news anyway.

So the idea of this appointment was mostly so that Hubby and I could sit down with him together, since it's such a rare occasion that happens, and discuss what comes next for us.  Obviously, despite the fact that we make good eggs (while on meds) and great sperm, we just can't put two and two together.  So IVF is the next option.  The thing I love most about our doc is he never assumes what we want, he always asks first what we've been thinking.  So when we said we were ready for IVF, he simply smiled and nodded.  

We sat in his office for about half an hour, while we calculated when my period was due next, then when I'd start meds, and then scanning and egg pickup.  He explained that he'd make sure we got this all done before he went on his annual leave in July.  Adding that if the cycle did run long, we'd have a joint consult with his colleague who would take us on, so we didn't have to wait til he got back.   He then made us an appointment at the nurses clinic to discuss medication cycles, and to help us with payment options.  

We had a chance to finally air some of our biggest concerns, such as egg collection numbers (how many was too many, or too little), whether we'd do IVF or ICSI (IVF for us), and what he recommended about transfer numbers.  Overall, it was a really great appointment.  I know going into it, we were both uncertain about a lot of things.  I guess in our minds all we could think about was that it was such a big step up from IUI, and how our finances might impede how quickly we could try IVF, and keep trying if we needed to.  But now we feel much more settled.  I think as this last few weeks count down we will become far less uncertain, and far more excited about what a huge step in the right direction this is.  

So today I am grateful for our doctor.  I am grateful for God's direction, because it led us to his office and into his care.  I am grateful that my Husband kept his mind and heart open to accepting what needed to come next.  I am grateful for the time we've had away from this all-consuming part of our lives to just be together.  And I am grateful for HOPE!  Without which, we would not have made it this far.  And now the journey really begins...

 

Beginning of the baby-lust

Ok, time for some sharing.  Since I'm potentially 2 days post ovulation and feeling a little reminiscent of our last impending pregnancy test results seven months ago, I thought I'd share a bit of our back-story.

We've only known about my PCOS since January this year.  Prior to that we just thought that making a baby was taking a little time because I was on the pill for over 10 years.  Hubby and I had our baby plans made long before we were married; we want four children, mostly boys, wanted to be married for more than two years before we started trying to get pregnant and wanted our babies to come to us naturally, as beautiful little surprises from God.  But, what's that saying, we make plans and God laughs?   I don't say that facetiously, I just look at the process we're in now and can understand why that saying is so true! 

Our baby-lust REALLY started in October 2010.  We had been married 13 months and I had been off the pill for about two months, mostly just because I was forgetting to take it.  My period was WAY late and yet all our at home pregnancy tests were coming back negative.  I was nauseated, swollen, tender in all the obvious places and yet all tests looked negative.   I on the other hand was convinced of the opposite.  I could just feel a change in myself and tried to convince hubby I wasn't crazy!  My doctor took a set of blood tests, but being a Friday, we couldn't get the results until the following Monday.    

On Saturday night I went to bed feeling overly moody and sore, and tried to get some sleep before my shift at work on Sunday morning.  I did not sleep well.  I kept having dreams of babies, people taking babies away from me and crying.  I woke in tears, to find I was bleeding quite heavily.  Oh well, I thought, guess I'm not pregnant.  

I don't usually have heavy periods, and when the cramping became unbearable and the bleeding got heavier, I became worried.  I went home, got into my PJ's, grabbed my heat pack and climbed into bed exhausted.  I must have slept six hours that afternoon.  It was only when hubby came in to find me for dinner at 9pm did we both realise something just wasn't as it should be.  BUT what could we do, all our testing had been negative and the doctor wouldn't call until the morning.  

Sunday night was the worst... I slept very little, having nightmares the same as the previous night about someone taking my baby away.  I was hysterical!  I don't think I've ever seen hubby look so sad and scared as he did that night.  There was just an overwhelming feeling of loss, grief and sadness.

Well Monday morning came around.  I couldn't wait any longer and called the doctor.  The bloods were positive, I was or had been pregnant.  We were experiencing a miscarriage.  I knew even less then, than I do now about the science behind fertility and reproduction.  I tried to pinpoint the tiniest details that could have caused us to lose a baby.  But, as I found out, these things happen so often to so many people, it's too hard to tell.  We now know it was probably caused by the hormone imbalances of PCOS.

Since then, the desire to have a child has only gotten stronger.  It's hard to describe how quickly one thought can take over your whole life!  So, as we count the days post our most recent egg release, I become more and more excited, and yet terrified at the same time.  Who knows what will happen this time around?  Who knows if this will be THE cycle and THE egg?  Like I've said before, all we can do now is wait and pray a LOT!

Hormones and follicles and scans, Oh my!

So I might be jumping the gun being excited about this, BUT we got some pretty exciting news this morning...
After seven months of wondering whether my ovaries would ever do what we wanted them to and pop a darn egg, my scan this morning showed that the medications have worked enough to produce follicles.  This doesn't sound like much, but a follicle is a pretty big step towards an egg, cos this is where your eggs come from.
Being a self-confessed dummy when it comes to all of this junk, I did a bit more research and thought you might find these pictures interesting.

So basically, PCOS is the commonest cause of ovulation disorders in women of reproductive age and is a familial condition. PCOS is a primary ovarian condition and is characterized by the presence of many minute cysts in the ovaries and excess production of androgens. PCOS can be found in apparently normal women and the full expression of the disease so-called “Stein-leventhal syndrome” is very uncommon. PCOS is frequently associated with weight gain, excessive hair growth in the face and body, irregular and infrequent periods or absent periods, infrequent or absent ovulation, miscarriage and infertility. The cause of PCOS is not fully understood. There are long-term risks of developing type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease and cancer of the womb. Women diagnosed as having PCOS before pregnancy have an increased risk of developing gestational diabetes.

This is what my ovaries look like on ultrasound scan (before I started medication).

All those dark circles are cysts, they stop the production of regular follicle and egg development.






 
And now, due to the wonders of a fantastic fertility medication which I've been on for two cycles, my ovaries (well, the right one at least) looks like this!


The dark circles are now developing follicles, and that nice big fat one up top is due to ovulate and bring us our first egg in seven months!





You may be wondering what medication I'm on, and at the moment that's not something I'll talk about in specifics.  Mostly because we don't definitely know it's worked through to conception, and also because what works for me might not work for you!  I can tell you that the two cycles have changed my body almost completely!  I have gained about 3.5kg, I constantly feel water-logged, my hair colour and texture have changed (I was a definite ash blonde, I'm now mousy reddy-brown), I have developed adult acne and I've had some absolutely awesome hot flushes which lead to some super mood swings.
BUT like I said, you might already be on the same meds and not feel this way, so to each their own!

So, it's still VERY early days, but inside I'm getting excited about the idea that things may be changing for the good!  I've just got to keep up my cycle charts, watch my temperatures and pray that in the next four days my little follicle pops a little egg!

Wish us luck! Sunny xx
 

Waiting for something beautiful

So the reason I started this blog today is because it's been a day of reflection for me and hubby.  Today we found out that round two of medications hasn't yet kick-started my ovaries like the doctor thought it would. And so we're back to waiting and trying higher doses and saying more prayers.  

I think being the age I am, having a doctor tell us that the method he thought would be successful isn't working, is a bit of a kick in the gutts.  I'm not saying it's the worst news we've had and it's not something we can't get over, but it's hard to hear nonetheless.

I must admit I'm pretty darn clueless when it comes to fertility and women's health issues in general.  We didn't even know I had PCOS until we couldn't get pregnant.  So this is very much a surprise and a lesson for us day to day. In the last seven months I have learned how to count days, keep charts of temperatures, predict ovulation dates and manage symptoms.  That in itself is a pretty major lesson!  

In the last three months I've discovered what fertility drugs are used for certain conditions, which medications we'll be on and for how long, and what happens if they don't work.  I've physically felt a wonderful range of normal, great, bloated, crampy, moody and some days like my body is not my own.  Emotionally is about the same.  We have really positive days and then there's ones like today where something someone says, a song, a book, can make me cry.

There are days when talking to people is the best remedy, and days when you're sick of hearing "you're so young, just relax and it'll happen". I'm SURE I'm not the first person to hate hearing that phrase.

Hubby is so good to me.  He takes the mood swings, the crying, the obsessive bouts of house-cleaning and bake-a-thons that can occur on any given day.  He knows when to give me space, when to hold me tight, the right things to say and can pray like no one else I have ever met!

I believe with all my heart that when God chooses to send us a baby He will.  This is yet another area I have learned to accept and embrace.  The things we want now may not be in His plan...just yet.  Don't get me wrong, there are days I am frustrated by this!  And days when God and I argue about whose timing is best. BUT our faith is strong and it's keeping us going.  Our baby is coming, I know it!

 

Why hello there!

Hello from my computer screen to yours! 

I'm a twenty-something woman, working and living in beautiful Brisbane.  I'm married to a gorgeous man and the love of my life 'hubby'.  We've been married for just over 18 months and recently decided that we'd like to start our family.  Little did we know that this would be any more difficult than stopping contraception, taking some prenatal vitamins and start "trying".  But, when trying turned into nothing, and nothing turned into months of nothing, we thought we better go get checked out.

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which basically means my body doesn't release an egg when it's supposed to.  It is one of the easier to treat causes of infertility, but nonetheless we're going to need help to make our babies.

Statistics can be boring, that is until when you become one.  I did a little research and this is what I can tell you about infertility in Australia, and trust me, I was surprised!

• One in six couples is infertile. In 40 per cent of cases the problem rests with the male, in 40 per cent with the female, ten per cent with both partners, and in a further ten per cent of cases, the cause is unknown.
• Fertility problems strike one in three women over 35.
• One in 25 males has a low sperm count and one in 35 is sterile.
• For healthy couples in their twenties having regular unprotected sex, the chance of becoming pregnant each month is 25 per cent.
• The chance of conceiving in an IVF cycle is on average around 20 per cent (but varies due to individual circumstances).
• More than one per cent of births in Australia involve the use of assisted reproductive technologies.

Crazy stuff right?!  Well to put that in a more personal perspective, out of ten of my female friends who have recently had babies, five have required fertility treatments.  It boggles my brain to think of it like that!  

So, I just thought if I can share what I know, and will learn, as we too travel down this road infertility and baby-lust, maybe it'd help remove some of the stigma and surprise about the challenges of baby making.

Here's a few links that I found helpful:

http://www.lifestyle.com.au/

http://www.fertilitysociety.com.au/

http://www.makingbabies.net.au/

http://www.qfg.com.au/