Monday, 12 September 2011

Our two year anniversary and invitation to the waiting game

So a few little significant timelines are meeting up today in the world of Sunny and Hubby.  It is our second wedding anniversary, of which I am so proud, in-love and joyous about.  It was also our post-op follow up appointment since I had my ovaries drilled.  On a whim I decided to OPK test last Sunday, just to prove to Hubby that my foul mood was in fact not PMS.  Only to find a very bright set of double lines.  Could I really be spontaneously ovulating so soon after my op?! So today marks the start of the 4th week of this cycle and the beginning of the second week of waiting.

Anyhoo, my doc was very excited to hear about out miraculous ovulation and gave us options for the weeks ahead, stipulating that we don't have to make final decisions until we know for sure if I'm pregnant.  He used the phrase "you might be pregnant, you know" about 10 times in our short 30 minute session, leaving Hubby and I smiling throughout the whole process.  He told us not to bother testing for Hcg levels until at least next Wednesday (5 & 1/2 weeks), if I hadn't got my period by then.  But, according to all my test results, we should have around six months of unassisted fertility up our sleeves to play with if I do.  So Hubby and I will stay home, use our OPK's and "lots of timed sex" and pray for the best.

Going through our history with us again, as doctors do, he casually pointed out that today would mark 12 months of us trying to get pregnant.  Really, already?  And counting back the weeks in my head from the time we lost our first pregnancy I realised he's right!  How did I not put those two together before?  Our first anniversary marked the approximate day of conception the first time around.  Was baby number one an anniversary baby?  Could we be blessed enough to have it also mark four weeks into our second?  And if it does, how do I feel about that?  All our dates from the year before would coincide so similarly it makes my brain (and my heart) hurt!  

So, in order to maintain a certain level of calm in the storm, I am choosing not to think about that right now.  I know the 10th of October will come and go with sorrow, but I will pray that new life and new joy will replace the depth of that sorrow with overwhelming happiness this year.  Next Wednesday now feels like a lifetime away and all I can think about is making sure I don't get my period.  And so we wait...


Thursday, 8 September 2011

Losing my petals

I have not been myself lately.  I am tired, so very tired.  I am trying to take on too much at one time and I know that now.  Mind you, I think 12 months ago I would have been able to do all these things and not blink an eye.  What's happened to my inner strength, my don't give up attitude?

This year can not end soon enough for Hubby and me.  We started the year threatened by one of the greatest floods our country had ever seen.  Trapped in our home for four days while the suburb around us went under water.  At work this year we've gone through four different bosses in eight months, one of those being the biggest chauvinist jerks I have ever met.  He made my time at work while he was there hell.  Turning me down for promotions that he'd already promised and questioning my worth around other staff.  I started my Masters degree in order to better myself and get the heck out of there, dropped my hours and smiled the day he left!  We've lost Hubby's Grandad to cancer, and while we were away for four days at his funeral his boss closed the store he managed and sacked him! Since then, my Pop has been hospitalised with renal failure, we sacked out old fertility specialist, got a new one and had surgery.  There is no doubt that I will be relieved to see 2012 and hopefully a fresh new start.

It could be really easy to crawl into bed and not come out for a while.  Really easy to walk away, give up and give in.  But that's not how Hubby and I are.  We work hard, we stick it out, we try to find the good in everything and pray for a better tomorrow.  But I have to admit, I may have had a little bit of a meltdown the other day.  Having spent all day at work, finishing at 11pm, I came home to work on one of my essays for uni.  I got to bed at about 3am.  The next day my alarm went off, I got up, put on a load of washing, ate breakfast and then went outside to hang my clothes on the line.  

Now I'm not really sure what happened after that, all I can recall is sitting in the sun, admiring the fresh little seedlings popping up from the pot I'd planted seeds in months ago.  They were so small, so fresh and I was so proud to see that I had grown something from scratch.  Then something caught the corner of my eye.  My strawberry planter; the same little bush that I'd planted almost two years earlier, that had NEVER produced a flower or fruit in all that time.  But that day to my utter surprise it had not one, but 14 fresh little flowers.  They were at all different stages in their bloom.  Some not even out of their buds, some with all their pretty white petals and some had already shed their petals and the fruit was swelling in their middles.  

I was utterly fascinated!!  I sat there, for what I now know was two hours, staring at those little strawberry flowers.  Out of nowhere they had bloomed, only to lose their petals in order to produce that all important berry.  Nobody minds that fruit flowers lose their petals.  Nobody tells them they're no longer pretty.  The flower is just the beginning of its journey and it's so proud of losing those petals that it creates a bright red berry just to show off to the world.

What a lesson at such an important time.  I may not feel pretty, I may feel over-tired, worn out, a little less than my usual self, and that's okay!  I don't have to always be that person I think I have to be.  I believe that I am meant to have children and that God wants us to have a family.  So, I'll happily lose my petals in order to bear our fruit.  And I would lose them every day and never grow them back in order to show the world, "This is what we created!"