Monday, 27 February 2012

Guest Blog - When does enough feel like enough?

My husband and I married in 2005, and I have been off birth control pills since 2008. Based on my pre-Pill irregular cycles and some health problems of my husband, I worried that it would take us awhile to conceive. But 4 years, I didn't imagine that.

We have gone through a lot of the basics that many trying to conceive couples do: temperature-taking (I admit, I was not good at keeping up with that), ovulation predictor kits, timed intercourse, and then later Clomid and Femara with timed intercourse. That was followed by 1 ICI and 4 IUIs, all with Clomid, and all failures. In fact, I have never, ever had a positive pregnancy test in all our years of TTC.

I have a probable PCOS diagnosis. In January I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. My doctor put dye through my tubes and also did a D&C to check and clean out any old lining. All appeared to be well. You know, except for the fact that it isn't. Something still isn't right.

Things that keep me up at night (if not literally then figuratively):
Did we wait too long to start trying? Are certain medications I need to take part of the problem? With our modest financial means, do we even have a chance at figuring out and solving our problem(s)? And more recently, when is enough, enough?

I know there are people who have been trying for years longer than us, they have gone through more invasive procedures, spent more money. Everyone has a breaking point, either mentally, physically or financially, and I'm afraid I'm starting to find mine. We recently went to see a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation, and now that we have taken that step, I feel myself pulling back. The tests he's ordered are going to hurt us financially. Will we even be able to afford whatever treatment option is offered to us based on the results? And, even more disturbing to me is that I'm thinking, will I even want to go through with the procedure?

That's right, am I really thinking about giving up? After all this, what's another insemination, or pill, or injection? How can I let a dream die? Well, I'm feeling worn out and worn down. I'm tired of being an experiment. Tired of putting medicines into my body. Tired of doctors putting instruments inside of me. Tired of being depressed and worried about it all. Tired of sex being unromantic, or worse, not even sex at all but a sterile, clinical procedure.

Is it time to quit? Is it time for a break? Is it time to focus on foster-to-adopt? I'm still trying to work through these feelings and decide what to do.

How do you know when enough really is enough?

M.D. is married with 2 fur-babies. She writes about trying to add to her family at Glitter and Rainbows.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

The broken-hearted ones

Close my eyes and take a breath,
This time may finally be ours.
Days, months, years spent dreaming of what it would feel like,
How we would react,
How we would celebrate,
To know that you would soon be in the world.
Our special little blessing,
Whom we have prayed for all this time,
The one that will make our hearts complete.

It is not that easy for some,
It can be a long, hard road to that dream ahead.
A daily struggle with ourselves,
With our bodies,
With our minds,
For two people so in love to create another life.
Our special little blessing,
Whom we have prayed for all this time,
The one that will make our hearts complete.

But our hearts will break, sweet baby,
With every day, every month, every year
That our reveries for you do not come to pass.
And so with hope,
And with faith,
We will continue to wait for you.
Our special little blessing,
Whom we have prayed for all this time,
The one that will make our hearts complete.

Sunny xx

Saturday, 4 February 2012

Getting just a little bit older

So it was my birthday on Friday.  I climbed just a little higher into my late twenties, and you know what?  It hasn't fazed me at all!  I kinda like the older me.  

I had the chance this week to spend some quality time with a bunch of my closest friends, the ones I've known and loved for many years, and have shared this aging and maturing journey with me.  And we all came to the same conclusion... we are all now at the age where we're into our career paths and pretty damn good at what we do, our colleagues respect our opinion, we are in serious relationships, creating families, gaining more responsibility, and unless we think about it all too deeply, we're not too daunted by it all!  I like that my face has developed laugh lines.  I love that I've gone from hating to wear jewelry to having seven pieces that are now never to be removed.  I love that I have met and married my best friend, and that we have been together since I was a teenager.  I love making our home.  I love the idea that soon our home will be full of babies.  I love that adult life has brought me to this blog and to my creative side, which definitely was not there when I was younger!

My husband turns 30 this year, and is far from silently worried about that fact.  I guess until I'm facing that number I can't really understand why he feels so daunted by it.  To me, the older you get, the more you have achieved in life.  I'm hoping to make him a father at 30.  We'll have been married three years at 30.  In my opinion, life will get better at 30!!  I hope I'm right!

He definitely spoiled me this birthday.  He always does, but this time he went above and beyond the usual.  His gifts were VERY heartfelt and meaningful, preempting his present-giving with a beautiful speech about how much he loves and respects me, and how brave he thinks I am after everything else we've been through.  I was in tears even before ripping through the paper.  Here's what I received:

This sapphire and diamond ring, with matching earrings.
These match the sapphire crucifix necklace he gave me the Christmas after we lost our first pregnancy.

Issey Miyake 'Florale' because I inherited my Nan's love of florals. 
And Anna Sui 'Rock Me!'to complete my Anna Sui collection.