Saturday, 22 October 2011

When "you're so young" is no longer a compliment!

I should be grateful for the continuous "you're both so young" comments we get off family, friends and doctors.  But after hearing those same reactions to our fertility struggle for the last 14 months, I am quite ready to shake someone silly!  YUP, I know!  We're both under 30 years old, so we've got "lots of baby-making years" ahead of us, apparently.  Only problem is, having one baby has taken us over 12 months (and counting) to achieve, and we WANTED to be pregnant a very long time ago!  It's kinda like telling an infertile to "just relax".  We all know how those very words make your blood pressure rise and your fist automatically twist into a fist, ready to punch the lovely person who said them!

I wasn't supposed to go back to my Doc so soon.  It has only been eight weeks of "do-it-yourself" action post-surgery.  But about a week ago I noticed my regular pre-period cramping setting in, teamed with four weeks of negative OPK tests and a temperature chart that looked like I'd had a fit when plotting. I got nervous.  As far as I knew I was still not producing eggs monthly, and I wanted answers.  So went back yesterday.

We were told that my temperatures looked similar to a triphasic curve cycle and that we were technically still on the dreaded TWW, because I may indeed have ovulated.  He told us not to worry, because my blood tests would be able to speed up our waiting, and by Monday we'd know for sure if I'd ovulated.  If I had, it was HcG testing time!  If I hadn't, it was time to start my beloved Clomid again (Yay?).  He didn't want to put us through IUI until I was DEFINITELY making eggs.  But, that Hubby and I could request it at any time if we wanted to fast forward the process.  And, once again, we were reassured, that we would be pregnant soon, but not to worry because...YOU'RE BOTH SO YOUNG!!

I left his office a little peeved with my ovaries' lack of apparent success.  Why couldn't they just do what I wanted them to do?  My brain was sending them the order to make more eggs, but they just weren't listening, I guess.  ANYWAY, so I go into the pathology clinic to get my bloods taken and the nurse takes one look at my request form and asks if I'm trying to get pregnant.  "Yep" I say, not super keen to talk about it again.  "YOU'RE SO YOUNG" she says, "you can't have been trying for long." I tell her it's been over a year.  "Never mind, you've got plenty of time" she replies.  "Oh, thanks." is all I manage to say over the top of my inner bitch.  I take my bandaide, smile politely, and I leave.

I know you're trying to be supportive.  I know you're also trying to compliment us.  But please, don't point out the obvious.  I'm young.  I'm probably younger than most women when they first walk the infertile path to parenthood.  But apparently age has NOTHING at all to do with it.  My PCOS won't go away because I'm young.  In fact, it's something I developed as a young person.  My desire to have a baby isn't any less because I'm young, either.  

All I know is, I am the age that I am, and I want to have a baby.  I've wanted to have a baby for a long time.  That want only gets stronger the longer we fight to make it a reality.  My age will not stay the same, and someday when we want to have more babies (God willing), people won't be saying how young we are then, will they? We will attempt this journey again and again, until our family is complete.  And THAT is the reason we have started already, because we do have age on our side, for now...

 
 

Monday, 10 October 2011

One year on

This time last year I simultaneously discovered that I was both pregnant, and having a miscarriage.  It was a day that changed me and Hubby in ways that I can not describe.  It was a day where surprise met shock, happiness met grief.  An experience that began and ended too quickly, and left me with a broken heart and a yearning for something that feels so difficult to achieve.

I don't have any whimsical words to tell you how I feel.  Nothing poetic to describe the mood in our home tonight.  Instead, in memory of the little tiny blossom we lost on October 10th, 2010, I'd like to share the prayer I said last night before I went to sleep.

Dear Lord,

I know that tomorrow is going to be a hard day for us.  No matter how many times I go over in my mind the ways that I may feel and move through the day, I know that we will feel the pain as fresh as it was last year.  Father, please be with us as we move through this grief once more.
I try not to think too often about the life that may have been.  About the fact that they'd be almost three months old, that they may look like us.  These thoughts are too painful, too raw and too hard.  Father, please hold them close in your arms.
I know that when your timing is right, you will bless us again with a child.  A child that we will love with all of our hearts.  But as we float through this period of difficulty, sometimes my confidence fails.  Father, please help me to keep my faith.
I know I am loved.  I know that we are not alone in our sadness.  I know that testing times do not last.  For these things I am truly grateful. 
Amen.

 To all my pregnancy and baby loss family, I send you much love xx