This time in our lives

This morning, on the way out of the door after a long night shift at work, one of my closest friends pulled me in for a hug.  A real, warm, body squeezing hug.  The kind only family feel comfortable giving.  Such a small thing means so much at the moment.  

Now you may want to excuse me while I rant, complain and eventually philosophise for a while.  You see, things aren't as fabulous in the Sunny household at the moment as they would usually be.  We're pretty rock-solid kind of people, me and the Hubby.  It takes a fair bit to shake us and break our spirit.  I know this is because of our faith in the Lord and His plans for us.  But recently we have been shaken.  

I still find it amazing how quickly the idea of having babies takes over your life.  12 months ago we just wanted to know why we'd lost an unexpected pregnancy. Today, knowing that we can't have children without fertility treatments, our lives are planned around expected ovulation dates, doctors visits, medication cycles.  Sex isn't always the fun, spontaneous sex it used to be.  Somedays we just do it because we HAVE to!  And with our doc dumping our first FSH cycle to go on holidays instead, we've decided to self-medicate our way through one more round of Clomid (150mg days 3-7) and hope for the best!  But like every month before this, the Clomid is causing havoc in my system.  Blurred vision, migraines, insomnia and extreme sweating.  Physically my nerves are on edge and emotionally I'm a blubbering fool!  Poor Hubby!


Add into the mix the fact that neither of us can take holidays until next January, making it 13 months since our last time off together!  Hubby's job sucks!  Well, not his job, his boss.  Hubby works in the music industry and specialises in brass band and student musician instruments.  He LOVES this, always has and always will.  When he first got this job after we'd just gotten married, his boss promised him independence, educational opportunities to enhance his own managerial skills and music technique, and yearly wage negotiations.  And after over 18 months working there, he's yet to see any of these promises come to life.  Instead he spends his days on the telephone to angry suppliers who are waiting for payments from his boss.  His patience, credibility and love of the industry are fading quickly.  He hates going there every day and I hate seeing what it's doing to his confidence.  He's currently waiting to hear back from over five other jobs he's applied for.  Isn't more waiting just what we need?!?!

So it just kind of feels like one thing after another for us.  So much negativity!  So much bad news!  So many struggles all at once!  And yet, daily we tell each other something we know to be true,

 "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it."

~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

(The Message translation)

And it's probably not the best idea for an already overly sensitive, hormonal wench such as myself to listen the likes of Adele at full volume on the way to work in the middle of the night, BUT I'm glad I did.  In her song "Someone like you" there's a beautiful phrase,

"Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste." 

This got me thinking...  Some day we'll look back at this time in our lives and remember how much stronger it made us both as individuals.  How strongly it cemented us together as a couple.  How great our love for each other grew during the hardest of times, when it could have so easily thrown us apart.  How many of our family and friends rallied around us to help us feel comforted and never alone.  And how HUGE our hearts have grown because of all these things.  

Our children, when they eventually come into our lives, will be born into parents and family who have prayed for them for many years prior to their delivery.  Who love them more than life itself. And who will never let them feel anything less than loved, adored and COMPLETELY accepted by their parents.

Our struggle today will make us better parents tomorrow.  I promise that to myself and to my husband.  Our worries today will some day be gone or replaced or forgotten.  But these struggles will not be the thing that defines us, how much we stayed true to each other and God will.

So I wonder how Adele and God like their collaboration for my reflection?  Sometimes we might see something like a certain song on the radio at a certain time as just coincidence.  I prefer to think it's God handing me a lifeline. 

Love to you all, strength for your struggles and God Bless xx  

Impatient me

Oh gosh, you would think after nine months that my ability to be patient would have increased, or at least because less frustrating! BUT it hasn't, not even a little bit!!

Today is cycle day 36 and I have been praying for maintenance week (AKA my period) for about 10 days.  But there's still no sight of it.  Hubby even suggested taking a pregnancy test to make sure we hadn't all been wrong and secretly popped an egg we didn't know about.  But that was negative, like always.  So we keep waiting, which is hard because we know that as soon as it's here our new course of treatment starts.  Argh, all this waiting is aging me scarily!!

Hubby's always keen to put a positive spin on our current situation, which is helpful until it's not!  Make sense?  Well, we both firmly believe that everything is part of God's plan for us.  And that the circumstances in our lives are here to help us learn something.  Hubby has always been adamant that God put us together to teach me patience, among other things.  I knew for a FACT that Hubby and I were supposed to be married after we'd been dating for about two years.  I didn't get why, after I told him this, he didn't agree.  We got engaged a little after 12 months later.  I then had to convince Hubby that living together briefly before we got married was a good idea.  We moved in together two months before our big day (and only because both our rent agreements were due for renewal).  After our wedding we discussed the perfect time to start a family.  I thought one year was long enough to wait, Hubby insisted on two.  

So you see, our whole relationship I've had to wait patiently for something that I wanted!  All big things, no doubt, but aren't they the hardest things to wait for?  And all this time (six years in September) Hubby has maintained the argument that his purpose in my life is to make me MORE patient!  And that this new episode in our lives is just another learning experience for just that.  

Well, I'm done learning, I'm tired of being patient!  I want what I want, and I want it NOW!! 

Registering as infertile

Sorry everyone, I realise it's been almost a week since I last blogged and since we went back to see our fertility specialist.  SO much has gone on in the Sunny household, I don't really know where to begin...

Hubby and I took our long list of questions back to the doc, armed with indifference about whether we would request a second opinion or new specialist.  More than anything, we just wanted answers!  I have NEVER been more nervous sitting in his waiting room than I was that day.  Hubby had to come over from work, so I sat there alone for about 20 minutes before the welcome smile of Hubby came through the front doors.  He could see how nervous and stressed I was so he took my hand and we just sat in silence.  We'd had weeks to go over the questions we wanted to ask, to talk about what we were comfortable with doing and not doing, and preparing for this day.  Our three cycle "trial" period on oral meds was officially over.  (I had been on a titrating Clomid dose ranging from 50mg to 150mg (days 3-7) for three cycles with no success.)

Our names were called, it was finally our turn to see the doctor.  We discussed further cycles with increased doses of Clomid, but due to my recurrent side effects (migraines, lack of sleep, cystic acne) we decided against it.  Instead we were introduced to the idea of Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) injections and Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) with the possibility of In-Vitro Fertilisation (IVF).  Hubby and I sat there, staring at him for a minute, in shock.  Were we really up to this already?  

Our doc could sense our surprise and explained that the FSH would be administered daily from day 5, and I would be monitored with blood tests and scans every 5 days after commencement to make sure we produced the "right" amount of follicles.  The "right" amount was anything from 1-3 follicles, the "wrong" amount is anything higher than this.  If we had our magic number, I would then get a shot of HcG and we would proceed to IUI.  IUI is basically where your husband's semen is squirted directly into your uterus as close to your fallopian tubes as possible, in the hope that some of the sperm-meets-egg risks are alleviated.  IF we produced more follicles than desired (in excess of 10) we would be given the option to harvest these eggs for use in IVF when we wanted.  

We were given an information pack about Queensland Fertility Group and the services they provide, as well as our registration form.  WE ARE NOW OFFICIALLY INFERTILE!  Hubby was given orders to drop of his "specimen" to the collection office and we've had our bloods taken to test for all the nasties (HIV, Hepatitis, Rubella, etc).  Tomorrow we meet the QFG nurse and get educated on FSH injections, though this shouldn't be too big of a hurdle as I'm a nurse.  It's going to be fun watching Hubby learn this wonderful skill though, being the squeemish type.

The days following our appointment we found ourselves sitting on the couch together, staring into the distance.  Both of us wrapped up in thoughts about IUI, IVF, babies and so much more.  We've cried (A LOT) about the fact that our natural fertility options have failed, but through some excellent advice from great friends (and fellow infertiles) we've learned that this is all part of the process.  We have to give ourselves time to grieve our loss of fertility, work through our hesitations and to look forward.  This still may take some time, but together we can overcome this.  After all, it's the end result that matters, not how we get there!


So that's our news... Like I said, it's been a big week! 

Time for something new?

With this cycle very quickly coming to an end, with no ovulation in sight, we have spent the last week trying to decide what move we want to make next.  Hubby was quite at ease about the fact that we didn't have to see our specialist for over 50 days because he was so convinced that the meds were doing their job.  Now we know they haven't, we both kind of wish we'd had the chance to find out sooner through the routine scanning and testing we were used to.  Throughout all our decision making little events have popped up that have made us just that little bit more uneasy, but could have been so easily avoided.  

In trying to catch up with our specialist we were told that he'd call us "straight away" three days in a row, but we still have not heard from him.  Fed up with waiting I attempted to book myself in to see him at the soonest possible date, which turns out it was a month from now.  Keeping my cool I explained to the receptionist how important it was to see him in person as I hadn't been feeling very well and we'd be starting a new cycle soon.  Reluctantly, she fit me in for 15 minutes on Thursday afternoon, but only if I promised to bring a renewed referral with me from my GP.  (Had it really been 12 months since my PCOS diagnosis?)  I agreed, as I was desperate, and called my GP's office to make the request.

My GP is awesome!  He knows I'm a nurse and work stupid shift hours and as a result, he does his best to help me out.  Including usually writing me referrals and scripts over the phone for me to collect when I'm off work.  It's NEVER been a problem before.  But the receptionist I got this day wasn't having a bar of it!  She insisted that he wouldn't be able to help me over the phone and told me the soonest appointment was Friday afternoon, unless it was "important enough to miss work".  I took the appointment, adding before I hung up that I'd be speaking with my GP about her rudeness and inability to show compassion towards his patients.  She invited me to do so!

I HATE confrontation at the best of times, but two arguments with receptionists in one morning was more than I could handle.  And given the environment in which both these women work, you would ASSUME that they had the ability to empathise with certain delicate situations.  Boy, was I wrong!  So I don't and won't have my renewed referral on time, but I'm headed to my specialist anyway.  What are they going to do, turn me away at the door?  

I'm also armed with a list of questions a mile long.  Three cycles was supposed to be the "trial and error" phase of this medication and if it didn't show results we move on.  Well three cycles are up and we're no closer to producing eggs, so what next?  Can we rely on him to be able to fit us in for scanning when they're needed?  Can I expect to be called back when told he will?  How much longer do we stuff around with the same things because "I'm so young" and we have "so much time" to get this right?

We're ready for some new answers, and we're ready now.  If we don't get the answers we need/want, do we have the guts to ask for a second opinion or even a new specialist?  We'll soon find out!

Let you know what happens...

Eat Bake Nurture

 

 Eat Bake Nurture is my newest, most favourite homewares store online and I wanted to share with you some of their gorgeous supplies!

I am now the proud owner of both an 

Eco Cup 'Tea Lovers' and 'Graphic Edition' mug!  

These mugs are AMAZING!!  They keep your beverage hotter for longer, they come with silicone grips and lids so you don't burn yourself when on the run with your bevvy and they are too cute to boot!!

I've also got to trial a Kids Konserve reusable lunch wrapper, and can I just say what a clever idea these are!

I can take my sandwich to work every day and know it's wrapped tight and sealed with a velcro fastening.  

It's also great to use as a placemat when you forget a plate (which I do A LOT).  

Just wipe them clean and start again tomorrow!!  

(OH, and postage was literally overnight!!) 

 

Thank you SO MUCH Trish at Eat Bake Nurture.

I LOVE these! 

And I'll be telling ALL my friends!

Sunny xx

Lovely Living feature

Sunny Side Up is super proud to announce that we have been chosen as a feature blog by Lovely Living!

A big THANK YOU to Jen and the girls for sharing the love!  

Sunny xx

The Boo

Might sound silly, but this post is dedicated to The Boo.  Our gorgeous little Siberian adopt-a-cat who came into out lives this time last year and has made an indelible mark upon us both.

She never fails to meet me at the stairs when I come home in the evenings, sleeps at the end of our bed and whenever I am in front of the computer writing my blogs she is right here, curled up on my lap.

So when baby-making gets us down, it's ok because we have someone else small and vulnerable to cuddle.

So to all the fur-babies out there bringing comfort to their 'parents', we say THANK YOU!!

Thank you xx

Sunny Side Up has officially reached 50 likers!

We can't tell you all how touched we are that you've tuned in to share this journey with us!  

We feel truly blessed knowing that there are wonderful, kind, supportive people in the world.

Love and best wishes to you all along your own paths to parenthood!

Sunny xx

Hmmm...

We're now at Day 15 of Medicated Cycle 3 and all my OPK's have been negative.  This time last cycle I had a big, fat, pink second line indicating that my eggs were cooked and about to pop.  So the fact that I'm still negative has me thinking it won't change.

Am I disappointed - very!  
Do I want to chuck a tantrum - yes! 

BUT what will that help?  Not me and not my dumb ovaries.  What a shit!  (sorry but there's really no other way I can describe it right now)

Michelle, my hopeful acupuncturist, tells me not to be too sad it's not happening yet, as she sticks the super fine needles into my lady regions.  So I'm trying not to be and faking my calmness until this cycle is officially termed a DUD - which hopefully will only be another fortnight and we can start all over again...

I've learnt something about us though this cycle, things I wouldn't have known if we didn't have to go through this palaver month to month:  

• Trying new things (acupuncture) can be scary but rewarding
• There's more to healing than just medicine (which is kind of hard for me being a nurse) 
• And that no matter what (and I mean NO MATTER WHAT) my husband will never be disappointed in me!

So I don't really have any reason to get too down on myself, because with the bad comes the good.

SPEAKING OF GOOD!!  My gorgeous friend KB and her hubby have just welcomed into the world beautiful little Isabella Grace Francis B, who they have waited long and patiently for through IVF and IUI treatments.  Mum, Dad and Bubba are all doing wonderfully and it's fantastic to watch them beam over their precious little bundle.
 
I plan to spend a lot of time cuddling and breathing in Isabella's sweet baby scent in the hopes that my hormones will take over and tell my body it's time to create life!

LOVE YOU KB!  You should be so proud of the effort you've both made to get your little one into this world.  She is absolutely PERFECT!!