Wednesday, 25 January 2012

THE Chat

Last Wednesday...
It was 10am as I sat in my specialist's office.  Slightly overtired from the shift I'd just finished at work that night, I stared at the wall til he called my name.  I was prepared for what I wanted to say this time around.  Instead of just nodding my head and mumbling "yes, okay, if you think so", Hubby had rehearsed with me several times the week leading up to this day exactly what it was I needed to say:  "Clomid obviously doesn't work, it makes me feel like crap warmed up, I don't want to keep wasting time using it."  Nothing too complicated, just the facts.  We were ready to move to the next step.  

Well, he must have read my mind.  Asking the same question he does every visit, "Any good news for me yet?", knowing full well the answer was a resounding, big, fat NO!  "Okay" he says, "time to move on to some more serious options. How do you feel about IUI?"  "Great!", I reply.  This is exactly what we'd hoped he'd suggest. "More importantly, how do you feel about injections?" he continued.  I am strong, I could deal with a little jab everyday, especially if it meant stepping a little closer to parenthood.  "Alright, you start tomorrow!  Go see our nurse for your kit.  We'll have you back in 8 days for your follicle scan and we'll go from there."

Well, it turns out my bravery about injecting myself wore off after my first, exhaustion-induced attempt.  I think I was so tired when I met the nurse I just jabbed away in the hopes that I'd get home to bed a bit sooner.  The next few days weren't so confident.  I'd count to three, knowing full well that on 'three' I'd be sticking myself.  But 'three' would come, I'd hold my breath and...chicken out.  So then I'd start the countdown again.  I quickly learned that the quicker you go, the less you feel it.  And luckily I've added a little poodge to my belly in recent weeks, so I had plenty of belly to grab on to.  Day by day, I got better and better.  Hubby even had a turn!!

So fast forward through the last seven days to today!  Yet again sitting in his clinic waiting room following another night at work.  Coffee in hand, I waited to be called.  Throughout the week Hubby and I tried not to get too ahead of ourselves.  We didn't want to get excited in case we produced too little or too many follicles and had to cancel.  But as I sat there, watching two-year-old twins play with toys in the corner, I realised I wasn't nervous, but excited!  Maybe this really would work and we'd have a real shot at getting pregnant.  I almost jumped out of my seat when he called my name.

Getting straight to the point, I dropped my dacks, got up on the bed and prepared for the ultrasound to begin.  "There they are!" he says, a big smile on his face, "two big 2cm follicles on the left, and one big 2cm follicle on the right.  How do you feel about inseminating three?"  Now this is something Hubby and I had talked long and in depth about.  Would we go ahead with more than two?  HECK YES!!  We had made it this far, trusting that the right number would come along so we could start our IUI, and here they were.  There's no guarantee that any of them will fertilise, let alone all three.  But we trust in God to make that choice for us.  So yes, we're very happy with three!!

We made a plan for the IUI:  trigger shot at lunch today, Hubby's sample dropped off at 8am tomorrow, we pick up the washed sample at 9.30am and then we're off to his office for insemination at 10am.  Simple as that!! 

So, in the space of 10 days we will go from getting nowhere, to full speed ahead!  I'm excited, I'm nervous, I know I'm not going to sleep tonight, but that's okay because tomorrow I'll be on bed rest and can catch up then.  Holy moley! Here we go!!

Sending lots of positive thoughts out into the world today, in the hopes that we get some back.  Let me know where you are all up to in your plans.  Would love to hear what everyone else is up to!

Wish us luck! xx


Friday, 13 January 2012

Farewell sweet Poppy

The day my Nan passed away five years ago, my Pop's heart broke in two.  It was a break that could never be mended, despite all the love and comfort his family could give him.  He cared for her up until her very last minute, and had no idea how to live this life without her.  They truly were the perfect little, old pair.  Truly in love after the many, many years they had spent together.  Their connection was enviable, and something I always wanted for my own marriage.  We all worried how long we'd get to keep Pop after she passed.  Scared that his broken heart would claim him long before we were ready to let him go.  But we will never be ready for that, and that time has come.

My Pop was a real man's man.  He was strong, independent, handsome, handy around the house, an excellent husband, father, grandfather and great grandfather.  He believed in working hard and earning the things you had, including your family.  He and my Nan made the very courageous and generous decision to take in my cousin as a baby, and raised him as their own.  He rebuilt much of their home by hand, to accommodate the growing family of in-laws, grand babies and hangers-on.  And he was still working in his woodwork shed up until the week before his hospitalisation.

Nan and Pop's home was always known to us grandkids as the home of fresh baked cakes, roast dinners, baked beans on toast, chocolate Quick and a place to run-amok with the cousins.  For a long time, we would spend our Christmases in their living room, skating around the tiled floors in our new rollerblades, BBQing in the backyard under the giant mango tree, and dressing up in Nan and Pop's old clothes and jewelry.  There was nothing too fancy to play with, no area of the house or shed off limits.  Their home was our home.  And what a wonderful place it was!

After Nan passed, we made a point to drive down to Pop's place nearly every Sunday.  I would make our Sunny Family chocolate cake, Pop's absolute favourite, and we would sit at the dining table all afternoon drinking tea and telling stories (and a few dirty jokes, too).  But he was never really the same cheery man without Nan.

We were very blessed to have Pop for another five years.  Five years isn't enough, but when you long for the one person you can not have back, five years can seem like a lifetime.  And so I am grateful to know that he has finally been reunited with Nan in Heaven.  I am grateful that his passing was relatively quick and that he did not suffer with ill-health for very long.  I am grateful that I got to look into his big, beautiful eyes one more time before they closed forever.  And I am grateful that I have a childhood filled with beautiful memories.

So Poppy, you can rest easy now.  You have finally met your beloved again, in the kingdom of forever, and you can never be parted.  We will miss you every day, and long for our reunion with you both.  You are always in our hearts. Hooroo, sweet Poppy xx

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Good riddance 2011, welcome 2012

Who else is thoroughly relieved that 2011 is FINALLY over?!?  It seems that almost everyone I speak to feels the same way - 2011 will go down in history as one of the hardest, trouble-filled, exhausting years to date!  What was it about that particular year that made it so horrible for everyone?  

For us 2011 started the same way it finished: stressful, chaotic and smothered in bad news.  We thought starting the year with a state-wide, devastating flood would mean that things could only get better as the year went on.  But we were surprised to learn how wrong that thinking was.  We have dealt with Hubby being laid-off, personal financial crisis, deaths in the family, other family tragedy and illness, surgery, failed fertility, and the highest stress levels I think we have ever coped with.  

BUT!  We made it through, relatively unscathed (apart from some psychological damage, but hey, who doesn't have that?), and were able to celebrate a few wins amongst the piles of crap.  We welcomed our new niece JJ, who is adorable beyond words, as well as several other of our friend's new little cuties,  we purchased a second car, we spent some time with long-lost overseas relatives, traveled to parts of Queensland I've never been before, found a lovely new fertility specialist and were able to spend Christmas as husband and wife, alone for the first time ever!  

All in all, I'm pretty darn proud of how we managed our way through the poo pile that was 2011.  There were times I wanted to pack it in, have a tantrum and give up.  Even now, I think back to particular times during the year where I NEVER thought we'd make it through sanely.  And no doubt I'm a little bit more cynical about certain things, careful with others, and so much of a bigger potty mouth than when it all started.  But I'm also hopeful that 2012 brings a fresh start, a chance for a do-over, something positive...maybe even a baby???  

My motto for this year is I AM READY!! 
I am ready for change, I am ready for positivity, I am ready for happiness, I am ready to start our family.  I am ready, are you?

So, cheers to 2012!!  May it be a greater year for everyone!  And good riddance to bad rubbish 2011.  Thank goodness you'll never show your ugly face around here again!