One year on

This time last year I simultaneously discovered that I was both pregnant, and having a miscarriage.  It was a day that changed me and Hubby in ways that I can not describe.  It was a day where surprise met shock, happiness met grief.  An experience that began and ended too quickly, and left me with a broken heart and a yearning for something that feels so difficult to achieve.

I don't have any whimsical words to tell you how I feel.  Nothing poetic to describe the mood in our home tonight.  Instead, in memory of the little tiny blossom we lost on October 10th, 2010, I'd like to share the prayer I said last night before I went to sleep.

Dear Lord,

I know that tomorrow is going to be a hard day for us.  No matter how many times I go over in my mind the ways that I may feel and move through the day, I know that we will feel the pain as fresh as it was last year.  Father, please be with us as we move through this grief once more.

I try not to think too often about the life that may have been.  About the fact that they'd be almost three months old, that they may look like us.  These thoughts are too painful, too raw and too hard.  Father, please hold them close in your arms.

I know that when your timing is right, you will bless us again with a child.  A child that we will love with all of our hearts.  But as we float through this period of difficulty, sometimes my confidence fails.  Father, please help me to keep my faith.

I know I am loved.  I know that we are not alone in our sadness.  I know that testing times do not last.  For these things I am truly grateful. 
Amen.

 To all my pregnancy and baby loss family, I send you much love xx