Guest Blog - When does enough feel like enough?

My husband and I married in 2005, and I have been off birth control pills since 2008. Based on my pre-Pill irregular cycles and some health problems of my husband, I worried that it would take us awhile to conceive. But 4 years, I didn't imagine that.

We have gone through a lot of the basics that many trying to conceive couples do: temperature-taking (I admit, I was not good at keeping up with that), ovulation predictor kits, timed intercourse, and then later Clomid and Femara with timed intercourse. That was followed by 1 ICI and 4 IUIs, all with Clomid, and all failures. In fact, I have never, ever had a positive pregnancy test in all our years of TTC.

I have a probable PCOS diagnosis. In January I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. My doctor put dye through my tubes and also did a D&C to check and clean out any old lining. All appeared to be well. You know, except for the fact that it isn't. Something still isn't right.

Things that keep me up at night (if not literally then figuratively):
Did we wait too long to start trying? Are certain medications I need to take part of the problem? With our modest financial means, do we even have a chance at figuring out and solving our problem(s)? And more recently, when is enough, enough?

I know there are people who have been trying for years longer than us, they have gone through more invasive procedures, spent more money. Everyone has a breaking point, either mentally, physically or financially, and I'm afraid I'm starting to find mine. We recently went to see a reproductive endocrinologist for a consultation, and now that we have taken that step, I feel myself pulling back. The tests he's ordered are going to hurt us financially. Will we even be able to afford whatever treatment option is offered to us based on the results? And, even more disturbing to me is that I'm thinking, will I even want to go through with the procedure?

That's right, am I really thinking about giving up? After all this, what's another insemination, or pill, or injection? How can I let a dream die? Well, I'm feeling worn out and worn down. I'm tired of being an experiment. Tired of putting medicines into my body. Tired of doctors putting instruments inside of me. Tired of being depressed and worried about it all. Tired of sex being unromantic, or worse, not even sex at all but a sterile, clinical procedure.

Is it time to quit? Is it time for a break? Is it time to focus on foster-to-adopt? I'm still trying to work through these feelings and decide what to do.

How do you know when enough really is enough?

M.D. is married with 2 fur-babies. She writes about trying to add to her family at Glitter and Rainbows.