Thank you, Small Bird Studio for this today xx
Friday, 7 October 2011
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Monday, 12 September 2011
Our two year anniversary and invitation to the waiting game
So a few little significant timelines are meeting up today in the world of Sunny and Hubby. It is our second wedding anniversary, of which I am so proud, in-love and joyous about. It was also our post-op follow up appointment since I had my ovaries drilled. On a whim I decided to OPK test last Sunday, just to prove to Hubby that my foul mood was in fact not PMS. Only to find a very bright set of double lines. Could I really be spontaneously ovulating so soon after my op?! So today marks the start of the 4th week of this cycle and the beginning of the second week of waiting.
Anyhoo, my doc was very excited to hear about out miraculous ovulation and gave us options for the weeks ahead, stipulating that we don't have to make final decisions until we know for sure if I'm pregnant. He used the phrase "you might be pregnant, you know" about 10 times in our short 30 minute session, leaving Hubby and I smiling throughout the whole process. He told us not to bother testing for Hcg levels until at least next Wednesday (5 & 1/2 weeks), if I hadn't got my period by then. But, according to all my test results, we should have around six months of unassisted fertility up our sleeves to play with if I do. So Hubby and I will stay home, use our OPK's and "lots of timed sex" and pray for the best.
Going through our history with us again, as doctors do, he casually pointed out that today would mark 12 months of us trying to get pregnant. Really, already? And counting back the weeks in my head from the time we lost our first pregnancy I realised he's right! How did I not put those two together before? Our first anniversary marked the approximate day of conception the first time around. Was baby number one an anniversary baby? Could we be blessed enough to have it also mark four weeks into our second? And if it does, how do I feel about that? All our dates from the year before would coincide so similarly it makes my brain (and my heart) hurt!
So, in order to maintain a certain level of calm in the storm, I am choosing not to think about that right now. I know the 10th of October will come and go with sorrow, but I will pray that new life and new joy will replace the depth of that sorrow with overwhelming happiness this year. Next Wednesday now feels like a lifetime away and all I can think about is making sure I don't get my period. And so we wait...
Anyhoo, my doc was very excited to hear about out miraculous ovulation and gave us options for the weeks ahead, stipulating that we don't have to make final decisions until we know for sure if I'm pregnant. He used the phrase "you might be pregnant, you know" about 10 times in our short 30 minute session, leaving Hubby and I smiling throughout the whole process. He told us not to bother testing for Hcg levels until at least next Wednesday (5 & 1/2 weeks), if I hadn't got my period by then. But, according to all my test results, we should have around six months of unassisted fertility up our sleeves to play with if I do. So Hubby and I will stay home, use our OPK's and "lots of timed sex" and pray for the best.
Going through our history with us again, as doctors do, he casually pointed out that today would mark 12 months of us trying to get pregnant. Really, already? And counting back the weeks in my head from the time we lost our first pregnancy I realised he's right! How did I not put those two together before? Our first anniversary marked the approximate day of conception the first time around. Was baby number one an anniversary baby? Could we be blessed enough to have it also mark four weeks into our second? And if it does, how do I feel about that? All our dates from the year before would coincide so similarly it makes my brain (and my heart) hurt!
So, in order to maintain a certain level of calm in the storm, I am choosing not to think about that right now. I know the 10th of October will come and go with sorrow, but I will pray that new life and new joy will replace the depth of that sorrow with overwhelming happiness this year. Next Wednesday now feels like a lifetime away and all I can think about is making sure I don't get my period. And so we wait...
Thursday, 8 September 2011
Losing my petals
I have not been myself lately. I am tired, so very tired. I am trying to take on too much at one time and I know that now. Mind you, I think 12 months ago I would have been able to do all these things and not blink an eye. What's happened to my inner strength, my don't give up attitude?
This year can not end soon enough for Hubby and me. We started the year threatened by one of the greatest floods our country had ever seen. Trapped in our home for four days while the suburb around us went under water. At work this year we've gone through four different bosses in eight months, one of those being the biggest chauvinist jerks I have ever met. He made my time at work while he was there hell. Turning me down for promotions that he'd already promised and questioning my worth around other staff. I started my Masters degree in order to better myself and get the heck out of there, dropped my hours and smiled the day he left! We've lost Hubby's Grandad to cancer, and while we were away for four days at his funeral his boss closed the store he managed and sacked him! Since then, my Pop has been hospitalised with renal failure, we sacked out old fertility specialist, got a new one and had surgery. There is no doubt that I will be relieved to see 2012 and hopefully a fresh new start.
It could be really easy to crawl into bed and not come out for a while. Really easy to walk away, give up and give in. But that's not how Hubby and I are. We work hard, we stick it out, we try to find the good in everything and pray for a better tomorrow. But I have to admit, I may have had a little bit of a meltdown the other day. Having spent all day at work, finishing at 11pm, I came home to work on one of my essays for uni. I got to bed at about 3am. The next day my alarm went off, I got up, put on a load of washing, ate breakfast and then went outside to hang my clothes on the line.
Now I'm not really sure what happened after that, all I can recall is sitting in the sun, admiring the fresh little seedlings popping up from the pot I'd planted seeds in months ago. They were so small, so fresh and I was so proud to see that I had grown something from scratch. Then something caught the corner of my eye. My strawberry planter; the same little bush that I'd planted almost two years earlier, that had NEVER produced a flower or fruit in all that time. But that day to my utter surprise it had not one, but 14 fresh little flowers. They were at all different stages in their bloom. Some not even out of their buds, some with all their pretty white petals and some had already shed their petals and the fruit was swelling in their middles.
I was utterly fascinated!! I sat there, for what I now know was two hours, staring at those little strawberry flowers. Out of nowhere they had bloomed, only to lose their petals in order to produce that all important berry. Nobody minds that fruit flowers lose their petals. Nobody tells them they're no longer pretty. The flower is just the beginning of its journey and it's so proud of losing those petals that it creates a bright red berry just to show off to the world.
What a lesson at such an important time. I may not feel pretty, I may feel over-tired, worn out, a little less than my usual self, and that's okay! I don't have to always be that person I think I have to be. I believe that I am meant to have children and that God wants us to have a family. So, I'll happily lose my petals in order to bear our fruit. And I would lose them every day and never grow them back in order to show the world, "This is what we created!"
This year can not end soon enough for Hubby and me. We started the year threatened by one of the greatest floods our country had ever seen. Trapped in our home for four days while the suburb around us went under water. At work this year we've gone through four different bosses in eight months, one of those being the biggest chauvinist jerks I have ever met. He made my time at work while he was there hell. Turning me down for promotions that he'd already promised and questioning my worth around other staff. I started my Masters degree in order to better myself and get the heck out of there, dropped my hours and smiled the day he left! We've lost Hubby's Grandad to cancer, and while we were away for four days at his funeral his boss closed the store he managed and sacked him! Since then, my Pop has been hospitalised with renal failure, we sacked out old fertility specialist, got a new one and had surgery. There is no doubt that I will be relieved to see 2012 and hopefully a fresh new start.
It could be really easy to crawl into bed and not come out for a while. Really easy to walk away, give up and give in. But that's not how Hubby and I are. We work hard, we stick it out, we try to find the good in everything and pray for a better tomorrow. But I have to admit, I may have had a little bit of a meltdown the other day. Having spent all day at work, finishing at 11pm, I came home to work on one of my essays for uni. I got to bed at about 3am. The next day my alarm went off, I got up, put on a load of washing, ate breakfast and then went outside to hang my clothes on the line.
Now I'm not really sure what happened after that, all I can recall is sitting in the sun, admiring the fresh little seedlings popping up from the pot I'd planted seeds in months ago. They were so small, so fresh and I was so proud to see that I had grown something from scratch. Then something caught the corner of my eye. My strawberry planter; the same little bush that I'd planted almost two years earlier, that had NEVER produced a flower or fruit in all that time. But that day to my utter surprise it had not one, but 14 fresh little flowers. They were at all different stages in their bloom. Some not even out of their buds, some with all their pretty white petals and some had already shed their petals and the fruit was swelling in their middles.
I was utterly fascinated!! I sat there, for what I now know was two hours, staring at those little strawberry flowers. Out of nowhere they had bloomed, only to lose their petals in order to produce that all important berry. Nobody minds that fruit flowers lose their petals. Nobody tells them they're no longer pretty. The flower is just the beginning of its journey and it's so proud of losing those petals that it creates a bright red berry just to show off to the world.
What a lesson at such an important time. I may not feel pretty, I may feel over-tired, worn out, a little less than my usual self, and that's okay! I don't have to always be that person I think I have to be. I believe that I am meant to have children and that God wants us to have a family. So, I'll happily lose my petals in order to bear our fruit. And I would lose them every day and never grow them back in order to show the world, "This is what we created!"
Monday, 22 August 2011
Temporarily cyst-free!
Hey lovelies, I would have shared this sooner but I've been way to exhausted recovering from my procedure that I just haven't had a chance.
SO, everything went well last Thursday. My doc has proven yet again what a sweet and super smart man he is. He held my hand as I went under and he's the first person I saw when I woke up. He gave me the news straight away as he didn't want me to lie there wondering how everything had gone. He even had a joke with me about the fact that I was totally unprepared for the extra trim the nurse gave me as I was drifting into unconsciousness!
I have NO endometriosis, which is a huge relief to Hubby and me. My tubes and uterus all looked in tip-top shape, all flushed through with dye to prove it. My ovaries were chock-a-block full of cysts, about 20-30 each ovary, and these were all drilled and washed through too. I'm over the moon!
Recovery has been sore but manageable. I have two little cuts on my stomach and one hiding in my pubic region. I've had a bit of blood loss, which I've been told is completely normal. And I'm bloated as heck, but I don't mind. Hubby has been taking very good care of me by making me meals in bed, helping me to get comfy on the couch, downloading LOTS of my favourite TV shows (Suits, Shameless and True Blood) and re-heating my two wheat bags almost every hour on the hour. He's a good husband.
I got back and see my doc in four weeks, but until then I'm just in recovery mode. He's not sure whether my body will spontaneously produce an egg this cycle, so we're OPK testing in case. If no go this cycle we'll discuss what drugs and procedures to use next.
BUT I'm hugely optimistic. I've always told myself that if I could just clear up the cysts my body would know what to do next. All we need is one egg, we have healthy sperm and a healthy uterus. So I'm saying my prayers that God will give my body a second chance at this egg production thing and this has all been a giant step closer to parenthood!
So here's some show and tell:
The white sacs are obviously my ovaries. All those little spots on them are the drilled out cysts.
My pretty pink uterus is the pink blob attached to them at the top.
The blue dye in the bottom picture was flushed through my uterus, up my tubes and came out the drilled follicles - VERY GOOD SIGN!
SO, everything went well last Thursday. My doc has proven yet again what a sweet and super smart man he is. He held my hand as I went under and he's the first person I saw when I woke up. He gave me the news straight away as he didn't want me to lie there wondering how everything had gone. He even had a joke with me about the fact that I was totally unprepared for the extra trim the nurse gave me as I was drifting into unconsciousness!
I have NO endometriosis, which is a huge relief to Hubby and me. My tubes and uterus all looked in tip-top shape, all flushed through with dye to prove it. My ovaries were chock-a-block full of cysts, about 20-30 each ovary, and these were all drilled and washed through too. I'm over the moon!
Recovery has been sore but manageable. I have two little cuts on my stomach and one hiding in my pubic region. I've had a bit of blood loss, which I've been told is completely normal. And I'm bloated as heck, but I don't mind. Hubby has been taking very good care of me by making me meals in bed, helping me to get comfy on the couch, downloading LOTS of my favourite TV shows (Suits, Shameless and True Blood) and re-heating my two wheat bags almost every hour on the hour. He's a good husband.
I got back and see my doc in four weeks, but until then I'm just in recovery mode. He's not sure whether my body will spontaneously produce an egg this cycle, so we're OPK testing in case. If no go this cycle we'll discuss what drugs and procedures to use next.
BUT I'm hugely optimistic. I've always told myself that if I could just clear up the cysts my body would know what to do next. All we need is one egg, we have healthy sperm and a healthy uterus. So I'm saying my prayers that God will give my body a second chance at this egg production thing and this has all been a giant step closer to parenthood!
The white sacs are obviously my ovaries. All those little spots on them are the drilled out cysts.
My pretty pink uterus is the pink blob attached to them at the top.
The blue dye in the bottom picture was flushed through my uterus, up my tubes and came out the drilled follicles - VERY GOOD SIGN!
Monday, 15 August 2011
A good man
With the very sad passing of Hubby's Grandad early last week, we've spent most of our time planning our trip to and from his beloved farm in Machine Creek around work and health commitments. It's been a very big week! We packed up the car, organised a sitter for The Boo and headed off on our road trip; a good seven hour drive either way.
Hubby had been meaning to take me to Machine Creek since we met six years ago, but like most things, we didn't really ever manage to fit it into our plans. Hubby and his family spent a huge amount of their holidays with Grandad on his farm learning to ride bikes, feed and milk cows, dehorn bulls and generally get up to mischief. I've heard many great stories about the fun times he and his siblings had out there. So when we finally had the opportunity to see the place for myself I was excited!
And let me tell you, the farm lived up to its reputation! I was given the grand tour of the paddocks on the trusty quad bike by Hubby. He took me over the creek, through the milking shed and through some really amazing land. There were old sheds full of equipment, a run down original workers cottage affectionately known as "Gran's place", paddocks with awesome names like "Bonanza", and hills and grass as far as the eye could see. It really is an amazing place.
Grandad's funeral was beautiful. It was a true tribute to the good man he was in life, and the church was full with the people he'd shared that life with. Amazingly there were even people lining the verandahs of the church just to be present for his final send off. His coffin was lain with memories from the farm; pieces of bougainvillaea tree, small old farming paraphernalia and photos, lots and lots of photos. In life, I had only the chance to meet with Grandad a handful of times, but through the stories told by the people we both call our family, I felt like I truly was getting to know him.
Being able to spent that time on the farm with Hubby is priceless to me. It is a memory we were able to share together. A piece of his life I know that was so dear to him. There really is something special about country life. The calming, fresh air, the endless clear blue skies, the smell of hay and cows and dirt. A feeling of closeness with God. And something truly relaxing indeed.
So, we may have had to say goodbye to Grandad, but through our time on the farm we both now have some amazing memories of the man that owned the land, spent his life and love on making it as beautiful as it was, and we are truly grateful.
Hubby had been meaning to take me to Machine Creek since we met six years ago, but like most things, we didn't really ever manage to fit it into our plans. Hubby and his family spent a huge amount of their holidays with Grandad on his farm learning to ride bikes, feed and milk cows, dehorn bulls and generally get up to mischief. I've heard many great stories about the fun times he and his siblings had out there. So when we finally had the opportunity to see the place for myself I was excited!
And let me tell you, the farm lived up to its reputation! I was given the grand tour of the paddocks on the trusty quad bike by Hubby. He took me over the creek, through the milking shed and through some really amazing land. There were old sheds full of equipment, a run down original workers cottage affectionately known as "Gran's place", paddocks with awesome names like "Bonanza", and hills and grass as far as the eye could see. It really is an amazing place.
Grandad's funeral was beautiful. It was a true tribute to the good man he was in life, and the church was full with the people he'd shared that life with. Amazingly there were even people lining the verandahs of the church just to be present for his final send off. His coffin was lain with memories from the farm; pieces of bougainvillaea tree, small old farming paraphernalia and photos, lots and lots of photos. In life, I had only the chance to meet with Grandad a handful of times, but through the stories told by the people we both call our family, I felt like I truly was getting to know him.
Being able to spent that time on the farm with Hubby is priceless to me. It is a memory we were able to share together. A piece of his life I know that was so dear to him. There really is something special about country life. The calming, fresh air, the endless clear blue skies, the smell of hay and cows and dirt. A feeling of closeness with God. And something truly relaxing indeed.
So, we may have had to say goodbye to Grandad, but through our time on the farm we both now have some amazing memories of the man that owned the land, spent his life and love on making it as beautiful as it was, and we are truly grateful.
Monday, 1 August 2011
A man with a plan
So it's been way too long (again) since I blogged. And you're all probably wondering what happened with my new specialist? Thing is, I've been so excited about it all, I totally forgot to write about it.
My new specialist is not only through a completely different fertility centre, he's also based in a completely different hospital. So day of my appointment, after only sleeping three or four hours out of pure anticipation, I rang his office to double-check ALL the details; where exactly I go, can I get bloods taken there, what should I bring, etc etc. Luckily, the warm and friendly receptionist, Phillipa recognised how frazzled I was and calmed me down. Whatever I didn't bring and he needed I could either courier/email over and he'd make do. Already I felt so much better.
I arrived early, once again not able to contain my excitement, and sat in his lounge for about 20 minutes listening to the numerous calls made to follow-up with patients and between staff. All so friendly and helpful, I knew straight away I would be much better off here. Finally the doc called me in, shaking my hand enthusiastically and stroking my arm as he sat me down. We went over our history, our previous plans, what we wanted next and what he thought he could do for us. He explained how a number of my results and symptoms could be attributed to Endometriosis as well as PCOS and asked if I'd ever been scanned for this - I hadn't. We talked through my options for care, and in depth about my dislike for Clomid, and came up with a plan that suited us.
THE NEW PLAN:
On August 18th I will have an Exploratory Laparoscopy to review my uterus and ovaries. From there he'll determine if I have Endo or just PCOS. He'll do some Ovary Drilling and Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). The aim of all this to break down any effects of the PCOS scaring and restore normal hormone secretion. He believes this, with the help of low dose ovulation stimulation drugs, could give us six to 12 months of increased fertility. He even went as far as to say we'd have our first baby by Christmas 2012!!
Throughout my whole appointment, which took a total of two hours, I felt so calm and at ease. He never pushed ideas onto me, he never criticised old doctor, though I could tell he surprised none of this had been offered to us before. On my way out the door he gave me a big, friendly hug and wished us good luck.
I walked to Phillipa's desk in a bit of a blur. She went through my operation booking form and consent forms. She fully explained all the costs involved and how our current health insurer had recently taken ALL assisted reproductive services off their schedule and so we'd be paying almost 100% of the hospital and out-patient fees. She recommended several different insurance companies who could cover us for up to 80%, and then even went as far as the download their information packages for us to take home. What service!!
Suffice it to say, I LOVE our new specialist!! Everything about him and his team are amazing and professional and so importantly, friendly!! This process is all hard enough without having to fight to see your doctor and then feeling like a fool when you're there. I am so grateful for such an awesome recommendation by my gorgeous friend Chrissy! Everything looks just a little bit brighter now!
My new specialist is not only through a completely different fertility centre, he's also based in a completely different hospital. So day of my appointment, after only sleeping three or four hours out of pure anticipation, I rang his office to double-check ALL the details; where exactly I go, can I get bloods taken there, what should I bring, etc etc. Luckily, the warm and friendly receptionist, Phillipa recognised how frazzled I was and calmed me down. Whatever I didn't bring and he needed I could either courier/email over and he'd make do. Already I felt so much better.
I arrived early, once again not able to contain my excitement, and sat in his lounge for about 20 minutes listening to the numerous calls made to follow-up with patients and between staff. All so friendly and helpful, I knew straight away I would be much better off here. Finally the doc called me in, shaking my hand enthusiastically and stroking my arm as he sat me down. We went over our history, our previous plans, what we wanted next and what he thought he could do for us. He explained how a number of my results and symptoms could be attributed to Endometriosis as well as PCOS and asked if I'd ever been scanned for this - I hadn't. We talked through my options for care, and in depth about my dislike for Clomid, and came up with a plan that suited us.
THE NEW PLAN:
On August 18th I will have an Exploratory Laparoscopy to review my uterus and ovaries. From there he'll determine if I have Endo or just PCOS. He'll do some Ovary Drilling and Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). The aim of all this to break down any effects of the PCOS scaring and restore normal hormone secretion. He believes this, with the help of low dose ovulation stimulation drugs, could give us six to 12 months of increased fertility. He even went as far as to say we'd have our first baby by Christmas 2012!!
Throughout my whole appointment, which took a total of two hours, I felt so calm and at ease. He never pushed ideas onto me, he never criticised old doctor, though I could tell he surprised none of this had been offered to us before. On my way out the door he gave me a big, friendly hug and wished us good luck.
I walked to Phillipa's desk in a bit of a blur. She went through my operation booking form and consent forms. She fully explained all the costs involved and how our current health insurer had recently taken ALL assisted reproductive services off their schedule and so we'd be paying almost 100% of the hospital and out-patient fees. She recommended several different insurance companies who could cover us for up to 80%, and then even went as far as the download their information packages for us to take home. What service!!
Suffice it to say, I LOVE our new specialist!! Everything about him and his team are amazing and professional and so importantly, friendly!! This process is all hard enough without having to fight to see your doctor and then feeling like a fool when you're there. I am so grateful for such an awesome recommendation by my gorgeous friend Chrissy! Everything looks just a little bit brighter now!
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