New Blog Friday (a bit early)

Hi, my name is Sunny and I own and write at Sunny Side Up.

I originally began my blog in April, when my husband and I first found out I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian syndrome, and that baby making could get a little complicated.

As a nurse by trade, I had heard about all the common causes of infertility, including PCOS.  We have friends who have struggled on their own paths to have babies; some successful and some not.  So when we were told that we were infertile because I didn’t make eggs, our whole life changed.

We have been told by many (many) people how lucky we are that we found out early, because Hubby and I are still under 30.  We have been married for just over two years, and together for six.  We had always talked about starting our family early, and were hoping to be married a few years before we started ‘trying’.  However, in October last year, we were blessed with a surprise pregnancy which, unfortunately, was taken from us not long after. 

It is amazing how much love you can place in something so quickly.  How little time it takes to become so attached to the idea of something.  We had always wanted children, but after our loss, that feeling was multiplied and kept multiplying, until it was all we could think about!

Sunny Side Up is a space to talk candidly about marriage, infertility, sex, and life in general.  I wanted to create a place I could talk about it without making people uncomfortable.  And I have been genuinely surprised by the number of people who have come out and told me their own stories of infertility and baby dreams.  It seems the more I talk about it, the more couples join in.  What a sad, and yet somewhat comforting thought!

Now I feel like my blog has a purpose.  It has given me a goal, and though it may take time to achieve, it is high on my list of priorities.  I would love to be able to establish a not-for-profit ‘Sunny Side Up Foundation’ that would aide infertile couples with financial support, information on available fertility, adoption and foster care options, and counselling in Australia.  Because I know that without the support of those around us, our lives would be incredibly hard.

In the meantime, Sunny Side Up {creative} was recently debuted on the blog and Facebook page.  There you can find click-and-print inspirational posters; all free of charge, and designed by me!

So please stop by Sunny Side Up again sometime.  We don’t yet know what God has in store for us, but you can be sure you’ll hear an honest, comical, sometimes emotional, and true account of our adventures.

Sunny xx

When "you're so young" is no longer a compliment!

I should be grateful for the continuous "you're both so young" comments we get off family, friends and doctors.  But after hearing those same reactions to our fertility struggle for the last 14 months, I am quite ready to shake someone silly!  YUP, I know!  We're both under 30 years old, so we've got "lots of baby-making years" ahead of us, apparently.  Only problem is, having one baby has taken us over 12 months (and counting) to achieve, and we WANTED to be pregnant a very long time ago!  It's kinda like telling an infertile to "just relax".  We all know how those very words make your blood pressure rise and your fist automatically twist into a fist, ready to punch the lovely person who said them!

I wasn't supposed to go back to my Doc so soon.  It has only been eight weeks of "do-it-yourself" action post-surgery.  But about a week ago I noticed my regular pre-period cramping setting in, teamed with four weeks of negative OPK tests and a temperature chart that looked like I'd had a fit when plotting. I got nervous.  As far as I knew I was still not producing eggs monthly, and I wanted answers.  So went back yesterday.

We were told that my temperatures looked similar to a triphasic curve cycle and that we were technically still on the dreaded TWW, because I may indeed have ovulated.  He told us not to worry, because my blood tests would be able to speed up our waiting, and by Monday we'd know for sure if I'd ovulated.  If I had, it was HcG testing time!  If I hadn't, it was time to start my beloved Clomid again (Yay?).  He didn't want to put us through IUI until I was DEFINITELY making eggs.  But, that Hubby and I could request it at any time if we wanted to fast forward the process.  And, once again, we were reassured, that we would be pregnant soon, but not to worry because...YOU'RE BOTH SO YOUNG!!

I left his office a little peeved with my ovaries' lack of apparent success.  Why couldn't they just do what I wanted them to do?  My brain was sending them the order to make more eggs, but they just weren't listening, I guess.  ANYWAY, so I go into the pathology clinic to get my bloods taken and the nurse takes one look at my request form and asks if I'm trying to get pregnant.  "Yep" I say, not super keen to talk about it again.  "YOU'RE SO YOUNG" she says, "you can't have been trying for long." I tell her it's been over a year.  "Never mind, you've got plenty of time" she replies.  "Oh, thanks." is all I manage to say over the top of my inner bitch.  I take my bandaide, smile politely, and I leave.

I know you're trying to be supportive.  I know you're also trying to compliment us.  But please, don't point out the obvious.  I'm young.  I'm probably younger than most women when they first walk the infertile path to parenthood.  But apparently age has NOTHING at all to do with it.  My PCOS won't go away because I'm young.  In fact, it's something I developed as a young person.  My desire to have a baby isn't any less because I'm young, either.  

All I know is, I am the age that I am, and I want to have a baby.  I've wanted to have a baby for a long time.  That want only gets stronger the longer we fight to make it a reality.  My age will not stay the same, and someday when we want to have more babies (God willing), people won't be saying how young we are then, will they? We will attempt this journey again and again, until our family is complete.  And THAT is the reason we have started already, because we do have age on our side, for now...

 
 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

www.october15th.com

www.rememberingourbabies.net

www.iamamotherofanangel.com

One year on

This time last year I simultaneously discovered that I was both pregnant, and having a miscarriage.  It was a day that changed me and Hubby in ways that I can not describe.  It was a day where surprise met shock, happiness met grief.  An experience that began and ended too quickly, and left me with a broken heart and a yearning for something that feels so difficult to achieve.

I don't have any whimsical words to tell you how I feel.  Nothing poetic to describe the mood in our home tonight.  Instead, in memory of the little tiny blossom we lost on October 10th, 2010, I'd like to share the prayer I said last night before I went to sleep.

Dear Lord,

I know that tomorrow is going to be a hard day for us.  No matter how many times I go over in my mind the ways that I may feel and move through the day, I know that we will feel the pain as fresh as it was last year.  Father, please be with us as we move through this grief once more.

I try not to think too often about the life that may have been.  About the fact that they'd be almost three months old, that they may look like us.  These thoughts are too painful, too raw and too hard.  Father, please hold them close in your arms.

I know that when your timing is right, you will bless us again with a child.  A child that we will love with all of our hearts.  But as we float through this period of difficulty, sometimes my confidence fails.  Father, please help me to keep my faith.

I know I am loved.  I know that we are not alone in our sadness.  I know that testing times do not last.  For these things I am truly grateful. 
Amen.

 To all my pregnancy and baby loss family, I send you much love xx

 

Crazy missed

Thank you, Small Bird Studio for this today xx

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month

Our two year anniversary and invitation to the waiting game

So a few little significant timelines are meeting up today in the world of Sunny and Hubby.  It is our second wedding anniversary, of which I am so proud, in-love and joyous about.  It was also our post-op follow up appointment since I had my ovaries drilled.  On a whim I decided to OPK test last Sunday, just to prove to Hubby that my foul mood was in fact not PMS.  Only to find a very bright set of double lines.  Could I really be spontaneously ovulating so soon after my op?! So today marks the start of the 4th week of this cycle and the beginning of the second week of waiting.

Anyhoo, my doc was very excited to hear about out miraculous ovulation and gave us options for the weeks ahead, stipulating that we don't have to make final decisions until we know for sure if I'm pregnant.  He used the phrase "you might be pregnant, you know" about 10 times in our short 30 minute session, leaving Hubby and I smiling throughout the whole process.  He told us not to bother testing for Hcg levels until at least next Wednesday (5 & 1/2 weeks), if I hadn't got my period by then.  But, according to all my test results, we should have around six months of unassisted fertility up our sleeves to play with if I do.  So Hubby and I will stay home, use our OPK's and "lots of timed sex" and pray for the best.

Going through our history with us again, as doctors do, he casually pointed out that today would mark 12 months of us trying to get pregnant.  Really, already?  And counting back the weeks in my head from the time we lost our first pregnancy I realised he's right!  How did I not put those two together before?  Our first anniversary marked the approximate day of conception the first time around.  Was baby number one an anniversary baby?  Could we be blessed enough to have it also mark four weeks into our second?  And if it does, how do I feel about that?  All our dates from the year before would coincide so similarly it makes my brain (and my heart) hurt!  

So, in order to maintain a certain level of calm in the storm, I am choosing not to think about that right now.  I know the 10th of October will come and go with sorrow, but I will pray that new life and new joy will replace the depth of that sorrow with overwhelming happiness this year.  Next Wednesday now feels like a lifetime away and all I can think about is making sure I don't get my period.  And so we wait...

 

Losing my petals

I have not been myself lately.  I am tired, so very tired.  I am trying to take on too much at one time and I know that now.  Mind you, I think 12 months ago I would have been able to do all these things and not blink an eye.  What's happened to my inner strength, my don't give up attitude?

This year can not end soon enough for Hubby and me.  We started the year threatened by one of the greatest floods our country had ever seen.  Trapped in our home for four days while the suburb around us went under water.  At work this year we've gone through four different bosses in eight months, one of those being the biggest chauvinist jerks I have ever met.  He made my time at work while he was there hell.  Turning me down for promotions that he'd already promised and questioning my worth around other staff.  I started my Masters degree in order to better myself and get the heck out of there, dropped my hours and smiled the day he left!  We've lost Hubby's Grandad to cancer, and while we were away for four days at his funeral his boss closed the store he managed and sacked him! Since then, my Pop has been hospitalised with renal failure, we sacked out old fertility specialist, got a new one and had surgery.  There is no doubt that I will be relieved to see 2012 and hopefully a fresh new start.

It could be really easy to crawl into bed and not come out for a while.  Really easy to walk away, give up and give in.  But that's not how Hubby and I are.  We work hard, we stick it out, we try to find the good in everything and pray for a better tomorrow.  But I have to admit, I may have had a little bit of a meltdown the other day.  Having spent all day at work, finishing at 11pm, I came home to work on one of my essays for uni.  I got to bed at about 3am.  The next day my alarm went off, I got up, put on a load of washing, ate breakfast and then went outside to hang my clothes on the line.  

Now I'm not really sure what happened after that, all I can recall is sitting in the sun, admiring the fresh little seedlings popping up from the pot I'd planted seeds in months ago.  They were so small, so fresh and I was so proud to see that I had grown something from scratch.  Then something caught the corner of my eye.  My strawberry planter; the same little bush that I'd planted almost two years earlier, that had NEVER produced a flower or fruit in all that time.  But that day to my utter surprise it had not one, but 14 fresh little flowers.  They were at all different stages in their bloom.  Some not even out of their buds, some with all their pretty white petals and some had already shed their petals and the fruit was swelling in their middles.  

I was utterly fascinated!!  I sat there, for what I now know was two hours, staring at those little strawberry flowers.  Out of nowhere they had bloomed, only to lose their petals in order to produce that all important berry.  Nobody minds that fruit flowers lose their petals.  Nobody tells them they're no longer pretty.  The flower is just the beginning of its journey and it's so proud of losing those petals that it creates a bright red berry just to show off to the world.

What a lesson at such an important time.  I may not feel pretty, I may feel over-tired, worn out, a little less than my usual self, and that's okay!  I don't have to always be that person I think I have to be.  I believe that I am meant to have children and that God wants us to have a family.  So, I'll happily lose my petals in order to bear our fruit.  And I would lose them every day and never grow them back in order to show the world, "This is what we created!"