Sunday, 11 December 2011

Taking a break

I know, I've been quiet again.  I've been wanting to write this post for a few days, but every time I start I get butterflies in my stomach and tears in my eyes.  Like writing these words down makes things real.  But, not writing them doesn't make them any more pretend.  So here goes...

This last month has brought us some cold, hard facts about our baby-making plans.  I have just unsuccessfully finished my seventh Clomid cycle, fraught with the same ugly side effects I've had in the past.  My bloods were all good, I definitely ovulated, our sex patterns were right on schedule, and yet we find ourselves at the start of a new cycle, not knowing what went wrong. 

We were told by my specialist when I had the ovarian drilling that I had an unusually narrow cervix.  Something which he'd said he'd surgically stretched at the time, but could cause problems again later on.  Well, it appears that the stretching didn't last all that long, and I am back to having the tiny, bottleneck cervix from before the operation.  Our chances of getting enough sperm through there and to an egg are strongly diminished.  I could stand on my head for hours post-coitus, but my tiny, sieve-like cervix would prevent even the strongest swimmers from making their way upstream.  Our best option is insemination.

This isn't really the part that makes me sad.  It's more that, this time last year we were faced with the same reality.  We were seeing a doctor we didn't like, he had told us it was IVF or never having children, and we dealt with those options, and chose to see someone else.  Now our someone else; our lovely, kind, (now not so) new doc, who had given us so much hope of natural fertility post-surgery, is laying out the same options for us.  We had so much hope that he was right.  That a simple procedure like drilling ovarian cysts and stretching my cervix, would allow us the opportunity to create a baby under our own circumstances, in the warmth and love of our own home.  But now, those hopes are fading fast.  And I can't help but feel cheated!  Not by our doc, because he did amazing things for me, when we couldn't see any other options.  No, I feel cheated by ME - AGAIN!!  For some reason, though everything else is going to plan, and I'm FINALLY making eggs, my dumb cervix decides to shut up shop!  What the hell?!?!  And so, once again, we are looking down the barrel of having to say goodbye to our natural fertility options.  

As I sat at my desk on Friday morning, after having what can only be described as a fanny blow-out (thank goodness I am working in a smaller office at the moment and can make several inconspicuous runs to the ladies), I rang Hubby trying not to cry.  I don't get it!  I am fine all cycle, knowing that this may not be the one for us.  But the day my period shows up, I feel like a failure.  And, after 16 months, it has taken it's toll on us.

We know now, what will ultimately be our plan for having children.  It is something that we have to accept in order to move forward.  I wish that moving forward was happening right now, but in all honesty, I'm not quite ready.  We won't be going into IUI/IVF treatments straight away.  We are going to have a few months of life just being about us, letting my body have a rest from all the extra hormones and side effects that fertility meds can bring, and time to adjust to what lies around the corner for us.  My heart is broken.  I find myself breaking down in tears for no reason, wanting to be on my own, and then feeling completely helpless when I am alone.  I wanted so desperately for a special surprise this Christmas.  I wanted so desperately to be able to start the new year with a little bundle of joy growing in my belly.  But that's not how it is going to work out for us.  And so, we will take some time to build our strength, and prepare for what lies ahead.

I don't want to think of this as 'giving up' on natural conception.  More like just a breather, I guess.  I'm sure some of you out there have had to go through this yourselves.  If you have any advice on preparing for IUI, or what we could be doing with our break to move forward as a stronger couple, I'd LOVE to hear from you!

Sunny xx




  1. Sorry you didnt get your Christmas bun in the oven we didnt get ours either. Just did another fresh ivf cycle and didnt even make it to blood test day on tuesday.Devo doesnt begin to describe....
    We lost our ivf miracle son at 19weeks in january due to incompetent cervix(Yes i have stupid cervix too) and then went to have frozen cycles in may & july both end in early loss.
    Since then i have been diagnosed borderline diabetic and underactive thyroid- both under control and at very good levels with diet & Metformin/Thyroxine.
    Also had major surgery Sepember 24th to place a cerclage via c section style cut at the very top of cervix where it meets uterus. This type of cerclage has the highest success rate for carrying to full term without baby being able to come down.
    All this stress and anxiety and hard work and financial worry to then come to our fresh cycle (even tho we have 2 on ice still) and this time we get 13 eggs and 6 left to freeze and i get my stupid period yesterday after spotting the whole cycle (which i think is my underlying problem that no specialist can identify the cause.) With my 37th bday looming this was definately gonna be 'the one' but it wasnt :(
    Sunny enjoy this time with your husband and just really try and have fun(babymaking will always be in the back of your mind) but thats just it it wil still be there when your ready- you still have plenty of time.
    You know whats going on with your body and if you have to get help from a clinic so what at least youl get a baby so dont worry about how its going to happen, just stay healthy and stay in love and when its time, do what you have to do and all the best for 2012 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. Wow, I don't even know how to respond to this post. My heart breaks for you. I so wish that there was something I could do to help you in all of this. I wish we lived closer! Love you so much & I pray for you daily. Love.

  3. I don't have any advice for you except that I'm sorry you are going through this. I think a couple months break might help you think things through a little more and get a plan set for the upcoming cycles. Don't get discouraged, you will be a terrific mother one way or another. :-)

  4. I know the feeling sweetie. It took me a few blogs and a month ot two off to accept that we were going for IUI and a possible IVF. It's a tough pill to swallow. We should be able to conceive like every other darn person, but unfortunately we are special.
    What helped me was just picturing a baby in my arms. When I did that, it became clear to me that as disappointed as I was in having to advance to ART, that baby is my ultimate goal. If it got me there, I would do what I had to do.

    You will get to that point too. Take a little time off and then come back swinging.


  5. I love you for your strength, your courage, your kindness, your generosity, your sense of humour, your willingness to make the world a better place. Do not start to feel like a failure or dislike yourself. You are far too beautiful. However, I know the place you are in and how you can't see much of what I see. You know you can call me whenever you need me. I'm always here. xx KB