Taking a break

I know, I've been quiet again.  I've been wanting to write this post for a few days, but every time I start I get butterflies in my stomach and tears in my eyes.  Like writing these words down makes things real.  But, not writing them doesn't make them any more pretend.  So here goes...

This last month has brought us some cold, hard facts about our baby-making plans.  I have just unsuccessfully finished my seventh Clomid cycle, fraught with the same ugly side effects I've had in the past.  My bloods were all good, I definitely ovulated, our sex patterns were right on schedule, and yet we find ourselves at the start of a new cycle, not knowing what went wrong. 

We were told by my specialist when I had the ovarian drilling that I had an unusually narrow cervix.  Something which he'd said he'd surgically stretched at the time, but could cause problems again later on.  Well, it appears that the stretching didn't last all that long, and I am back to having the tiny, bottleneck cervix from before the operation.  Our chances of getting enough sperm through there and to an egg are strongly diminished.  I could stand on my head for hours post-coitus, but my tiny, sieve-like cervix would prevent even the strongest swimmers from making their way upstream.  Our best option is insemination.

This isn't really the part that makes me sad.  It's more that, this time last year we were faced with the same reality.  We were seeing a doctor we didn't like, he had told us it was IVF or never having children, and we dealt with those options, and chose to see someone else.  Now our someone else; our lovely, kind, (now not so) new doc, who had given us so much hope of natural fertility post-surgery, is laying out the same options for us.  We had so much hope that he was right.  That a simple procedure like drilling ovarian cysts and stretching my cervix, would allow us the opportunity to create a baby under our own circumstances, in the warmth and love of our own home.  But now, those hopes are fading fast.  And I can't help but feel cheated!  Not by our doc, because he did amazing things for me, when we couldn't see any other options.  No, I feel cheated by ME - AGAIN!!  For some reason, though everything else is going to plan, and I'm FINALLY making eggs, my dumb cervix decides to shut up shop!  What the hell?!?!  And so, once again, we are looking down the barrel of having to say goodbye to our natural fertility options.  

As I sat at my desk on Friday morning, after having what can only be described as a fanny blow-out (thank goodness I am working in a smaller office at the moment and can make several inconspicuous runs to the ladies), I rang Hubby trying not to cry.  I don't get it!  I am fine all cycle, knowing that this may not be the one for us.  But the day my period shows up, I feel like a failure.  And, after 16 months, it has taken it's toll on us.

We know now, what will ultimately be our plan for having children.  It is something that we have to accept in order to move forward.  I wish that moving forward was happening right now, but in all honesty, I'm not quite ready.  We won't be going into IUI/IVF treatments straight away.  We are going to have a few months of life just being about us, letting my body have a rest from all the extra hormones and side effects that fertility meds can bring, and time to adjust to what lies around the corner for us.  My heart is broken.  I find myself breaking down in tears for no reason, wanting to be on my own, and then feeling completely helpless when I am alone.  I wanted so desperately for a special surprise this Christmas.  I wanted so desperately to be able to start the new year with a little bundle of joy growing in my belly.  But that's not how it is going to work out for us.  And so, we will take some time to build our strength, and prepare for what lies ahead.


I don't want to think of this as 'giving up' on natural conception.  More like just a breather, I guess.  I'm sure some of you out there have had to go through this yourselves.  If you have any advice on preparing for IUI, or what we could be doing with our break to move forward as a stronger couple, I'd LOVE to hear from you!


Sunny xx