Sunday, 27 November 2011

The truth this Sunday

It doesn't take too much lately to put me in a bad mood.  I don't know if it's the Clomid, or if it's a combination of a really long, tiring year, crazy drugs and really, REALLY bad luck!  Things just seem to become too much for me to handle, in a really short period of time.  One minute I'm happy as larry and then something flicks my switch to crazy-bitch mode.  I've noticed it more and more often, and am working on ways to counteract the inner psycho that has shown it's face way too frequently.  

Today, for example, I woke in such a great mood!  No, really, I was in a terrific mood.  The weather was warm which meant I could do all my washing without having the run the dryer (a big deal for me), I made breakfast with fresh ground coffee, watched a few of my favourite TV shows while waiting for the washing, and got to chill out the couch for a while.  I heard Hubby shuffle around upstairs and figured I'd go make him breakfast for when he came down, only to find my freezer door ajar and the entire contents of it defrosted and dripping through my fridge.  How had I not noticed this before?  So, instead of making breakfast, I proceeded with the crappy job of fully defrosting and dumping over $65 worth of meat and other foods into the bin.  I was not impressed.  I can't tell you if it's the waste of food that bugs me, the fact that we don't have money to grocery shop this week, of it's merely the fact that I hadn't seen the door open sooner, that pissed me off the most.  But that was it!  I was done with my good mood and straight into over-reacting, fly off the handle, so mad I could burst, mood.  Like flipping a light switch.

Of course, Hubby was neither impressed by being greeted by the freak show I was, or by the freezer situation, and backed away slowly as to not aggravate the situation.  I stormed upstairs and into a cool shower.  Now, I'm a Christian, always have been.  And I believe that prayer and speaking with God is essential to living a fulfilling life.  But when I married Hubby, his Dad taught me something (being the great pastor that he is) about talking to God.  I always used to reserve my conversations with Him until I was calm, cool and collected.  I didn't want to "yell" at Him, nor upset him.  But the thing I learned was that God wants me to be honest with Him.  Whether that means eloquent prayers or hurtful ranting.  God knows I'm human, that I am full of emotion, as graceful or not as that may be, and He wants to hear all about it.  After all, if you can't speak to your God about your life, who can you talk to?

Something changed in me when I learned this.  I no longer felt the need to calm myself before starting my conversations with Him.  I just open my heart and my mouth and speak my truth in that moment.  I thank Him for all my glorious blessings on a daily basis, and sometimes, like this morning, I tell him how I feel let down and pushed aside.  So my conversation this morning went a little like this...

"I am so eternally grateful for the blessings you have bestowed upon Hubby and I.  BUT (and this is the point in any conversation, no matter who you're talking to, where the loving expression that you started with, becomes a bit null and void) I don't understand how we can keep getting bad stuff thrown our way.  We work hard, but have no money. We are both healthy, and yet we have no baby.  We are good people, and still horrible things happen to us.  What's the deal God?  Why are you ignoring me?  It's not fair!"

Once upon a time I would have scalded myself for talking like this to Him.  How dare I question the Lord's will?  But, I've noticed something.  When I am completely honest with Him about how I feel and why, if I express how much I need Him in my life to bring some positivity, He ALWAYS shows up!  It might not be when I want it, which is usually right NOW!  But He will find a way to let me know He has heard me.

This is how He showed me today...
I got to sit in the park, with the sun on my skin for the first time in months, and listen to Hubby and his brass band play Christmas Carols for the families picnicking on the grass.  I can't tell you the last time we had a Sunday off together!  And to spend it in such a beautiful way!  How could I ignore that kinda sign?!  I'd be crazy if I tried.

Things haven't been easy this year.  Circumstances have pushed Hubby and I to our extremes.  We have laughed, cried, screamed, cheered and have grown stronger every day.  I can work on my insane moods.  I don't want to be the wife that loses the plot because she can't have babies.  I want to be me!  This year has taught me to be completely honest with myself and others.  How do you know how you feel if you don't talk about it (even if the talking is just to yourself)?  I know God listens, but I must rely on my faith and remember that all things are in His time, not mine!  I can be ungrateful and selfish, but I can also be forgiven for acting that way.  No one expects you to be perfect.  And if they do, they are being unrealistic.  We all have our hurts.  Mine just happens to be infertility.  So we should try to be kinder to the people around us, and excuse their changeable moods.  And find something you love to do.  Something you can do on your own.  Something that takes your mind off those hurts.  

For me it's this!  Talking to you, sharing my pictures, creating printables, and sharing.


  1. I always felt like Clomid made me really angry and moody too. I hope you get your BFP soon, I always wondered why good people couldn't get pregnant can be so unfair sometimes.

  2. It sounds like you ended up with a pretty stellar day. And don't worry too much about the mood swings, that is to expected.
    I talk to myself all the time. It helps me work it all out in my mind so that I can express myself better. I have had my fair share of 'discussions' with god and they were not all roses and kittens.
    I'm glad you can let it out here, we all need somewhere to vent.

    Good luck on your current cycle dear.