Monday, 2 May 2011

Beginning of the baby-lust

Ok, time for some sharing.  Since I'm potentially 2 days post ovulation and feeling a little reminiscent of our last impending pregnancy test results seven months ago, I thought I'd share a bit of our back-story.

We've only known about my PCOS since January this year.  Prior to that we just thought that making a baby was taking a little time because I was on the pill for over 10 years.  Hubby and I had our baby plans made long before we were married; we want four children, mostly boys, wanted to be married for more than two years before we started trying to get pregnant and wanted our babies to come to us naturally, as beautiful little surprises from God.  But, what's that saying, we make plans and God laughs?   I don't say that facetiously, I just look at the process we're in now and can understand why that saying is so true! 

Our baby-lust REALLY started in October 2010.  We had been married 13 months and I had been off the pill for about two months, mostly just because I was forgetting to take it.  My period was WAY late and yet all our at home pregnancy tests were coming back negative.  I was nauseated, swollen, tender in all the obvious places and yet all tests looked negative.   I on the other hand was convinced of the opposite.  I could just feel a change in myself and tried to convince hubby I wasn't crazy!  My doctor took a set of blood tests, but being a Friday, we couldn't get the results until the following Monday.    

On Saturday night I went to bed feeling overly moody and sore, and tried to get some sleep before my shift at work on Sunday morning.  I did not sleep well.  I kept having dreams of babies, people taking babies away from me and crying.  I woke in tears, to find I was bleeding quite heavily.  Oh well, I thought, guess I'm not pregnant.  

I don't usually have heavy periods, and when the cramping became unbearable and the bleeding got heavier, I became worried.  I went home, got into my PJ's, grabbed my heat pack and climbed into bed exhausted.  I must have slept six hours that afternoon.  It was only when hubby came in to find me for dinner at 9pm did we both realise something just wasn't as it should be.  BUT what could we do, all our testing had been negative and the doctor wouldn't call until the morning.  

Sunday night was the worst... I slept very little, having nightmares the same as the previous night about someone taking my baby away.  I was hysterical!  I don't think I've ever seen hubby look so sad and scared as he did that night.  There was just an overwhelming feeling of loss, grief and sadness.

Well Monday morning came around.  I couldn't wait any longer and called the doctor.  The bloods were positive, I was or had been pregnant.  We were experiencing a miscarriage.  I knew even less then, than I do now about the science behind fertility and reproduction.  I tried to pinpoint the tiniest details that could have caused us to lose a baby.  But, as I found out, these things happen so often to so many people, it's too hard to tell.  We now know it was probably caused by the hormone imbalances of PCOS.

Since then, the desire to have a child has only gotten stronger.  It's hard to describe how quickly one thought can take over your whole life!  So, as we count the days post our most recent egg release, I become more and more excited, and yet terrified at the same time.  Who knows what will happen this time around?  Who knows if this will be THE cycle and THE egg?  Like I've said before, all we can do now is wait and pray a LOT!


  1. You're so brave to share your story. And be sure to thank Hubby for us too. That is such a personal, private moment in your life but by sharing it you will help others feel like they are not alone. I feel so sad that you guys had to go through that experience, but I know that it will help you to grow stronger both personally & in your marriage.

  2. We have a new-found respect for the term 'miracle' baby. When we finally get ours, they'll be our miracle.
    It was honestly the hardest month of our lives to date, but hubby and I are stronger and closer than ever before. He is my strength during all this! We've learned that if we can weather this storm, there's not a whole lot else that can shake us!