The long and short of it

Holy heck it feels like it's been a decade between when we froze our wee Boobals and now!  Time has slowed these last eight weeks.  Slowed to a painstakingly slow pace.  One that has sent me round the bend a number of times, while we've waited out hormone fluctuations, blood tests, orientation to new jobs, changes in schedules, changes in months...  I feel so much older now than I did just two months ago.  I feel like so much has changed, and yet so many little things will always remain the same.

In the last two months my hormones went from bad to good, to worse again.  I developed huge amounts of bloating and chest pain.  I've been to see my GP thinking I had heart problems, only to be told it was actually my progesterone levels imbalanced.  The when my period was four days late and my chest pain got worse I was asked by my specialist to go home from work and do a pregnancy test as soon as possible.  Why would I do that?  There's NO WAY I could be pregnant!!  As if I'd be pregnant!  And yet, I did as I was told.  

As I stormed in our front door, pregnancy kit in hand,  threw my bag down and headed straight to the bathroom, Hubby knew it was best not to ask questions.  I sat, I peed, and then I cried.  Yet another humiliating negative test.  Worse still, I knew it would be negative and I didn't want to test in the first place.  So I cried.  And then I called my doctor and told him what I already knew.  Definitely NOT pregnant.

Two days later I got my period.  

And as I sat at my desk at work, bewildered by the week's events, I couldn't help but think that this is how it may always be...  Me, counting the days of the month, not by the calendar, but by the cycle day.  I will keep time in 28 to 40 day blocks, not months.  Celebrate milestones like two years of "trying", as well as wedding anniversaries and birthdays.  Will I always keep such a tight leash on my body?  Or one day will I learn to just let it all go and be what it'll be?  Will having a baby loosen my grip on scheduling my internal clock, or make it worse as we attempt again and again to provide siblings for our little ones.  At what point do I just STOP?


So we are now very literally days, yes DAYS, away from a possible frozen transfer.  I won't say what date exactly, because if I do it's likely to change for some reason or another.  And then another counting game begins: two weeks wait, then first 12 weeks, and on and on...  I feel like I'll be keeping count for the rest of my life!