Saturday, 11 August 2012

What a let down!

Today was pre-transplant scan day.  The day that had been marked in our calendars the moment we froze our embryos.  And then circled that date so we wouldn't forget, wouldn't double book ourselves, would plan our day and week around.  As we drove to the clinic this morning a very subtle, but very true feeling of nervousness kicked up in my stomach.  Hubby noticed straight away and grabbed my hand from my lap, trying to calm me.  There was so much riding on this appointment.  So many months of patience and heart ache that had led us to this day; the day that would decide when our embryos would come home to me, to start their new life.

We didn't wait long before we were called into his office.  With a warm hug and handshake for us both we sat and awaited our fates.  He explained how he'd recently been named one of the most successful IVF specialists in our state, and that his rate of pregnancy post frozen transfer was higher than any of his colleagues.  He was proving to us that our faith in him was not misplaced.  And he was already right, we trust him 100 percent.  The rest was up to us!

It wasn't long before my undies were off, and my legs were up in stirrups (we all know that awkward position).  As he scooted the ultrasound probe round my lady regions staring intently at the screen, his face looked puzzled.  "What day are you again?" he asked.  "Day 11" I replied quietly.  Hmmm....  And then he looked at me with that face he gives, that face I know all too well means something's not quite right, and explained that I had no signs of follicle growth, and no build up in uterine lining.  Which basically means my hormones are still not behaving and my body is not produced oestrogen to the level that would produce an ovulation.  Without those hormones, my body wouldn't recognise an embryo and provide a nice warm uterus for it to attach to.

I wiped off the ultrasound jelly, pulled my pants back on, and sat back down at his desk avoiding Hubby's gaze.  I knew he was disappointed, and if I looked at him now I would lose the ability to hold it all together.  Doc went on to outline a new plan of attack for us.  As of the beginning of next cycle I'd go on hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  A combination of drugs to build up my uterus and invoke an ovulation.  BUT it didn't involve Clomid (thank goodness)!  In order to get back to Day 1 without too much messing about, I'll be back of progesterone tablets to force my period to start, which should only take about seven to 10 days.   The HRT will then take about 12 to 14 days, at which point we can rescan for possible transfer dates.

The ride home from the doctors was a quiet one, save for my crying and Hubby's ragged breathing as he too tried to hide his tears.  24 more days!  It may not seem like a long time to many, but to us it is yet another lifetime to live through.  Another slow and painful wait until our fate is yet again called up for deciding.  

In 26 days we have booked our very first weekend getaway together in over two and a half years.  In 32 days it is our third Wedding Anniversary.  In 59 days we will mark the second Anniversary of the loss of our first pregnancy, and the beginning of our battle with infertility.  So 24 days may feel like a short time for some, but to us it is torture.




  1. my heart goes out to you both. it seems like a lifetime for you. a day a week a month a year, it all seems lie forever at times. hugs

  2. I am so sorry that things didn't go as planned. If only we could prevent our brains from giving our hearts expectations. It would make this whole thing so much easier. (((hugs)))

  3. I'm so sorry to hear about your disappointing appoitment. You must be devasted. I hope that the next 24 days go by very quickly for you.

  4. I know the pain of waiting yet again. It does suck really bad - for that I am so sorry. Who knows why this stuff doesn't work the way it's supposed to. We are given the short end of the stick again and again. I really pray you find some way to distract yourself over the next month and that this next go-round will bring good results.

  5. Ugh. The pain and frustration i am sure is overwhelming in so many ways. My mom always says that expectations are premeditated disapointments. So true, but tell that to our our hearts and souls. I will be thinking of you and I hope that you are able to embrace the good things that are on your horizon- your vaca and anniversary. hugs.