The broken-hearted ones

Close my eyes and take a breath,

This time may finally be ours.

Days, months, years spent dreaming of what it would feel like,

How we would react,

How we would celebrate,

To know that you would soon be in the world.

Our special little blessing,

Whom we have prayed for all this time,

The one that will make our hearts complete.

It is not that easy for some,

It can be a long, hard road to that dream ahead.

A daily struggle with ourselves,

With our bodies,

With our minds,

For two people so in love to create another life.

Our special little blessing,

Whom we have prayed for all this time,

The one that will make our hearts complete.

But our hearts will break, sweet baby,

With every day, every month, every year

That our reveries for you do not come to pass.

And so with hope,

And with faith,

We will continue to wait for you.

Our special little blessing,

Whom we have prayed for all this time,

The one that will make our hearts complete.

Sunny xx

Getting just a little bit older

So it was my birthday on Friday.  I climbed just a little higher into my late twenties, and you know what?  It hasn't fazed me at all!  I kinda like the older me.  

I had the chance this week to spend some quality time with a bunch of my closest friends, the ones I've known and loved for many years, and have shared this aging and maturing journey with me.  And we all came to the same conclusion... we are all now at the age where we're into our career paths and pretty damn good at what we do, our colleagues respect our opinion, we are in serious relationships, creating families, gaining more responsibility, and unless we think about it all too deeply, we're not too daunted by it all!  I like that my face has developed laugh lines.  I love that I've gone from hating to wear jewelry to having seven pieces that are now never to be removed.  I love that I have met and married my best friend, and that we have been together since I was a teenager.  I love making our home.  I love the idea that soon our home will be full of babies.  I love that adult life has brought me to this blog and to my creative side, which definitely was not there when I was younger!

My husband turns 30 this year, and is far from silently worried about that fact.  I guess until I'm facing that number I can't really understand why he feels so daunted by it.  To me, the older you get, the more you have achieved in life.  I'm hoping to make him a father at 30.  We'll have been married three years at 30.  In my opinion, life will get better at 30!!  I hope I'm right!

He definitely spoiled me this birthday.  He always does, but this time he went above and beyond the usual.  His gifts were VERY heartfelt and meaningful, preempting his present-giving with a beautiful speech about how much he loves and respects me, and how brave he thinks I am after everything else we've been through.  I was in tears even before ripping through the paper.  Here's what I received:

This sapphire and diamond ring, with matching earrings.

These match the sapphire crucifix necklace he gave me the Christmas after we lost our first pregnancy.

 





Issey Miyake 'Florale' because I inherited my Nan's love of florals. 
And Anna Sui 'Rock Me!'to complete my Anna Sui collection.

THE Chat

Last Wednesday...
It was 10am as I sat in my specialist's office.  Slightly overtired from the shift I'd just finished at work that night, I stared at the wall til he called my name.  I was prepared for what I wanted to say this time around.  Instead of just nodding my head and mumbling "yes, okay, if you think so", Hubby had rehearsed with me several times the week leading up to this day exactly what it was I needed to say:  "Clomid obviously doesn't work, it makes me feel like crap warmed up, I don't want to keep wasting time using it."  Nothing too complicated, just the facts.  We were ready to move to the next step.  

Well, he must have read my mind.  Asking the same question he does every visit, "Any good news for me yet?", knowing full well the answer was a resounding, big, fat NO!  "Okay" he says, "time to move on to some more serious options. How do you feel about IUI?"  "Great!", I reply.  This is exactly what we'd hoped he'd suggest. "More importantly, how do you feel about injections?" he continued.  I am strong, I could deal with a little jab everyday, especially if it meant stepping a little closer to parenthood.  "Alright, you start tomorrow!  Go see our nurse for your kit.  We'll have you back in 8 days for your follicle scan and we'll go from there."

Well, it turns out my bravery about injecting myself wore off after my first, exhaustion-induced attempt.  I think I was so tired when I met the nurse I just jabbed away in the hopes that I'd get home to bed a bit sooner.  The next few days weren't so confident.  I'd count to three, knowing full well that on 'three' I'd be sticking myself.  But 'three' would come, I'd hold my breath and...chicken out.  So then I'd start the countdown again.  I quickly learned that the quicker you go, the less you feel it.  And luckily I've added a little poodge to my belly in recent weeks, so I had plenty of belly to grab on to.  Day by day, I got better and better.  Hubby even had a turn!!


Today...
So fast forward through the last seven days to today!  Yet again sitting in his clinic waiting room following another night at work.  Coffee in hand, I waited to be called.  Throughout the week Hubby and I tried not to get too ahead of ourselves.  We didn't want to get excited in case we produced too little or too many follicles and had to cancel.  But as I sat there, watching two-year-old twins play with toys in the corner, I realised I wasn't nervous, but excited!  Maybe this really would work and we'd have a real shot at getting pregnant.  I almost jumped out of my seat when he called my name.

Getting straight to the point, I dropped my dacks, got up on the bed and prepared for the ultrasound to begin.  "There they are!" he says, a big smile on his face, "two big 2cm follicles on the left, and one big 2cm follicle on the right.  How do you feel about inseminating three?"  Now this is something Hubby and I had talked long and in depth about.  Would we go ahead with more than two?  HECK YES!!  We had made it this far, trusting that the right number would come along so we could start our IUI, and here they were.  There's no guarantee that any of them will fertilise, let alone all three.  But we trust in God to make that choice for us.  So yes, we're very happy with three!!

We made a plan for the IUI:  trigger shot at lunch today, Hubby's sample dropped off at 8am tomorrow, we pick up the washed sample at 9.30am and then we're off to his office for insemination at 10am.  Simple as that!! 

So, in the space of 10 days we will go from getting nowhere, to full speed ahead!  I'm excited, I'm nervous, I know I'm not going to sleep tonight, but that's okay because tomorrow I'll be on bed rest and can catch up then.  Holy moley! Here we go!!

Sending lots of positive thoughts out into the world today, in the hopes that we get some back.  Let me know where you are all up to in your plans.  Would love to hear what everyone else is up to!



Wish us luck! xx

 

Farewell sweet Poppy

The day my Nan passed away five years ago, my Pop's heart broke in two.  It was a break that could never be mended, despite all the love and comfort his family could give him.  He cared for her up until her very last minute, and had no idea how to live this life without her.  They truly were the perfect little, old pair.  Truly in love after the many, many years they had spent together.  Their connection was enviable, and something I always wanted for my own marriage.  We all worried how long we'd get to keep Pop after she passed.  Scared that his broken heart would claim him long before we were ready to let him go.  But we will never be ready for that, and that time has come.

My Pop was a real man's man.  He was strong, independent, handsome, handy around the house, an excellent husband, father, grandfather and great grandfather.  He believed in working hard and earning the things you had, including your family.  He and my Nan made the very courageous and generous decision to take in my cousin as a baby, and raised him as their own.  He rebuilt much of their home by hand, to accommodate the growing family of in-laws, grand babies and hangers-on.  And he was still working in his woodwork shed up until the week before his hospitalisation.


Nan and Pop's home was always known to us grandkids as the home of fresh baked cakes, roast dinners, baked beans on toast, chocolate Quick and a place to run-amok with the cousins.  For a long time, we would spend our Christmases in their living room, skating around the tiled floors in our new rollerblades, BBQing in the backyard under the giant mango tree, and dressing up in Nan and Pop's old clothes and jewelry.  There was nothing too fancy to play with, no area of the house or shed off limits.  Their home was our home.  And what a wonderful place it was!

After Nan passed, we made a point to drive down to Pop's place nearly every Sunday.  I would make our Sunny Family chocolate cake, Pop's absolute favourite, and we would sit at the dining table all afternoon drinking tea and telling stories (and a few dirty jokes, too).  But he was never really the same cheery man without Nan.

We were very blessed to have Pop for another five years.  Five years isn't enough, but when you long for the one person you can not have back, five years can seem like a lifetime.  And so I am grateful to know that he has finally been reunited with Nan in Heaven.  I am grateful that his passing was relatively quick and that he did not suffer with ill-health for very long.  I am grateful that I got to look into his big, beautiful eyes one more time before they closed forever.  And I am grateful that I have a childhood filled with beautiful memories.

So Poppy, you can rest easy now.  You have finally met your beloved again, in the kingdom of forever, and you can never be parted.  We will miss you every day, and long for our reunion with you both.  You are always in our hearts. Hooroo, sweet Poppy xx

Good riddance 2011, welcome 2012

Who else is thoroughly relieved that 2011 is FINALLY over?!?  It seems that almost everyone I speak to feels the same way - 2011 will go down in history as one of the hardest, trouble-filled, exhausting years to date!  What was it about that particular year that made it so horrible for everyone?  

For us 2011 started the same way it finished: stressful, chaotic and smothered in bad news.  We thought starting the year with a state-wide, devastating flood would mean that things could only get better as the year went on.  But we were surprised to learn how wrong that thinking was.  We have dealt with Hubby being laid-off, personal financial crisis, deaths in the family, other family tragedy and illness, surgery, failed fertility, and the highest stress levels I think we have ever coped with.  

BUT!  We made it through, relatively unscathed (apart from some psychological damage, but hey, who doesn't have that?), and were able to celebrate a few wins amongst the piles of crap.  We welcomed our new niece JJ, who is adorable beyond words, as well as several other of our friend's new little cuties,  we purchased a second car, we spent some time with long-lost overseas relatives, traveled to parts of Queensland I've never been before, found a lovely new fertility specialist and were able to spend Christmas as husband and wife, alone for the first time ever!  

All in all, I'm pretty darn proud of how we managed our way through the poo pile that was 2011.  There were times I wanted to pack it in, have a tantrum and give up.  Even now, I think back to particular times during the year where I NEVER thought we'd make it through sanely.  And no doubt I'm a little bit more cynical about certain things, careful with others, and so much of a bigger potty mouth than when it all started.  But I'm also hopeful that 2012 brings a fresh start, a chance for a do-over, something positive...maybe even a baby???  

My motto for this year is I AM READY!! 

I am ready for change, I am ready for positivity, I am ready for happiness, I am ready to start our family.  I am ready, are you?

So, cheers to 2012!!  May it be a greater year for everyone!  And good riddance to bad rubbish 2011.  Thank goodness you'll never show your ugly face around here again!

    

Merry Christmas

I LOVE Christmas music!

Through FB I have been asking readers to share their favourite Christmas song.  It can be a traditional carol, Christian or church music, modern or comical.  I don't mind, I'd just LOVE to hear them!

Post me a link to the YouTube page so we can all have a listen xx

Here's mine:

 

 

Taking a break

I know, I've been quiet again.  I've been wanting to write this post for a few days, but every time I start I get butterflies in my stomach and tears in my eyes.  Like writing these words down makes things real.  But, not writing them doesn't make them any more pretend.  So here goes...

This last month has brought us some cold, hard facts about our baby-making plans.  I have just unsuccessfully finished my seventh Clomid cycle, fraught with the same ugly side effects I've had in the past.  My bloods were all good, I definitely ovulated, our sex patterns were right on schedule, and yet we find ourselves at the start of a new cycle, not knowing what went wrong. 

We were told by my specialist when I had the ovarian drilling that I had an unusually narrow cervix.  Something which he'd said he'd surgically stretched at the time, but could cause problems again later on.  Well, it appears that the stretching didn't last all that long, and I am back to having the tiny, bottleneck cervix from before the operation.  Our chances of getting enough sperm through there and to an egg are strongly diminished.  I could stand on my head for hours post-coitus, but my tiny, sieve-like cervix would prevent even the strongest swimmers from making their way upstream.  Our best option is insemination.

This isn't really the part that makes me sad.  It's more that, this time last year we were faced with the same reality.  We were seeing a doctor we didn't like, he had told us it was IVF or never having children, and we dealt with those options, and chose to see someone else.  Now our someone else; our lovely, kind, (now not so) new doc, who had given us so much hope of natural fertility post-surgery, is laying out the same options for us.  We had so much hope that he was right.  That a simple procedure like drilling ovarian cysts and stretching my cervix, would allow us the opportunity to create a baby under our own circumstances, in the warmth and love of our own home.  But now, those hopes are fading fast.  And I can't help but feel cheated!  Not by our doc, because he did amazing things for me, when we couldn't see any other options.  No, I feel cheated by ME - AGAIN!!  For some reason, though everything else is going to plan, and I'm FINALLY making eggs, my dumb cervix decides to shut up shop!  What the hell?!?!  And so, once again, we are looking down the barrel of having to say goodbye to our natural fertility options.  

As I sat at my desk on Friday morning, after having what can only be described as a fanny blow-out (thank goodness I am working in a smaller office at the moment and can make several inconspicuous runs to the ladies), I rang Hubby trying not to cry.  I don't get it!  I am fine all cycle, knowing that this may not be the one for us.  But the day my period shows up, I feel like a failure.  And, after 16 months, it has taken it's toll on us.

We know now, what will ultimately be our plan for having children.  It is something that we have to accept in order to move forward.  I wish that moving forward was happening right now, but in all honesty, I'm not quite ready.  We won't be going into IUI/IVF treatments straight away.  We are going to have a few months of life just being about us, letting my body have a rest from all the extra hormones and side effects that fertility meds can bring, and time to adjust to what lies around the corner for us.  My heart is broken.  I find myself breaking down in tears for no reason, wanting to be on my own, and then feeling completely helpless when I am alone.  I wanted so desperately for a special surprise this Christmas.  I wanted so desperately to be able to start the new year with a little bundle of joy growing in my belly.  But that's not how it is going to work out for us.  And so, we will take some time to build our strength, and prepare for what lies ahead.


I don't want to think of this as 'giving up' on natural conception.  More like just a breather, I guess.  I'm sure some of you out there have had to go through this yourselves.  If you have any advice on preparing for IUI, or what we could be doing with our break to move forward as a stronger couple, I'd LOVE to hear from you!


Sunny xx