This time in our lives

This morning, on the way out of the door after a long night shift at work, one of my closest friends pulled me in for a hug.  A real, warm, body squeezing hug.  The kind only family feel comfortable giving.  Such a small thing means so much at the moment.  

Now you may want to excuse me while I rant, complain and eventually philosophise for a while.  You see, things aren't as fabulous in the Sunny household at the moment as they would usually be.  We're pretty rock-solid kind of people, me and the Hubby.  It takes a fair bit to shake us and break our spirit.  I know this is because of our faith in the Lord and His plans for us.  But recently we have been shaken.  

I still find it amazing how quickly the idea of having babies takes over your life.  12 months ago we just wanted to know why we'd lost an unexpected pregnancy. Today, knowing that we can't have children without fertility treatments, our lives are planned around expected ovulation dates, doctors visits, medication cycles.  Sex isn't always the fun, spontaneous sex it used to be.  Somedays we just do it because we HAVE to!  And with our doc dumping our first FSH cycle to go on holidays instead, we've decided to self-medicate our way through one more round of Clomid (150mg days 3-7) and hope for the best!  But like every month before this, the Clomid is causing havoc in my system.  Blurred vision, migraines, insomnia and extreme sweating.  Physically my nerves are on edge and emotionally I'm a blubbering fool!  Poor Hubby!


Add into the mix the fact that neither of us can take holidays until next January, making it 13 months since our last time off together!  Hubby's job sucks!  Well, not his job, his boss.  Hubby works in the music industry and specialises in brass band and student musician instruments.  He LOVES this, always has and always will.  When he first got this job after we'd just gotten married, his boss promised him independence, educational opportunities to enhance his own managerial skills and music technique, and yearly wage negotiations.  And after over 18 months working there, he's yet to see any of these promises come to life.  Instead he spends his days on the telephone to angry suppliers who are waiting for payments from his boss.  His patience, credibility and love of the industry are fading quickly.  He hates going there every day and I hate seeing what it's doing to his confidence.  He's currently waiting to hear back from over five other jobs he's applied for.  Isn't more waiting just what we need?!?!

So it just kind of feels like one thing after another for us.  So much negativity!  So much bad news!  So many struggles all at once!  And yet, daily we tell each other something we know to be true,

 "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it."

~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

(The Message translation)

And it's probably not the best idea for an already overly sensitive, hormonal wench such as myself to listen the likes of Adele at full volume on the way to work in the middle of the night, BUT I'm glad I did.  In her song "Someone like you" there's a beautiful phrase,

"Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste." 

This got me thinking...  Some day we'll look back at this time in our lives and remember how much stronger it made us both as individuals.  How strongly it cemented us together as a couple.  How great our love for each other grew during the hardest of times, when it could have so easily thrown us apart.  How many of our family and friends rallied around us to help us feel comforted and never alone.  And how HUGE our hearts have grown because of all these things.  

Our children, when they eventually come into our lives, will be born into parents and family who have prayed for them for many years prior to their delivery.  Who love them more than life itself. And who will never let them feel anything less than loved, adored and COMPLETELY accepted by their parents.

Our struggle today will make us better parents tomorrow.  I promise that to myself and to my husband.  Our worries today will some day be gone or replaced or forgotten.  But these struggles will not be the thing that defines us, how much we stayed true to each other and God will.

So I wonder how Adele and God like their collaboration for my reflection?  Sometimes we might see something like a certain song on the radio at a certain time as just coincidence.  I prefer to think it's God handing me a lifeline. 

Love to you all, strength for your struggles and God Bless xx