In repair

I am grieving.  Our last IUI and the four follicles it produced failed.  12 days post insemination and the fanny blowout came thick and fast.  No prior warning, no cramping, no insomnia, just out of the blue it was there.  There was no chance of it being implant bleeding, for it was just too darn heavy and too long.  Our last chance was over!  

Of course, I pretended I was ok; like I was expecting this, which I was to some degree, and that it was no big deal.  But it is!  It's a very big deal.  Given all the opportunities my body had to embrace medications, produce eggs and then create a baby, it still couldn't.  Our doc says it's related to the level of stress in our lives.  I laughed in his face, because to that I say a big fat "DERRR!".  I went to work, tried to keep myself together, and headed home at 11.30pm to see my beloved Husband for the first time all day.  He took one look at me and wrapped his big, warm arms around me.  I was gone.  The pain came flowing out in a wave of tears.  "So we don't win this one?" he asked me.  I buried my face deeper in his shoulder and let it all go.  

So, as my Husband likes to say, we're now one of "those couples".  Yep, we are!  We are one of those IVF couples.  Well, we will be when we start, which won't be for a while as we're currently on a baby-hiatus, while he changes jobs, I sort my head out, and we both hit our refresh buttons.

I am grieving.  I am grieving my body's inability to do what I want it to.  I am grieving lost time.  I am grieving so many negative tests.  I am grieving the fact that IVF will cost us a lot of money, of which we don't have.  I am grieving.  But I will get there!  Grieving is a process.  I am not broken.  It is ok to not be ok for a while.  I may look down and out, but inside I am rallying, slowly mind you.  I don't know how long it'll take, but we will both get there!  

I want to thank each of you who read my blog and reply with your lovely messages, hugs and love.  We are not alone and for that I am very thankful.  Your experiences give me strength that when we're ready we can do this!  It's not about how you get there, it's about the end result, a baby; a family!  You are all wonderfully treasured.  I am in repair!