Thursday, 10 May 2012

30 Days of Grateful Blogging - Days 13 and 14

*Written in retrospect*

My grateful posts are developing a common theme.  Not something I am doing intentionally, but still, makes you realise one of the things I cherish most.  Sleep!  

These last two nights I haven't slept very well.  I think with a dodgey work roster, our new game plan, and the fact that this year is flying by way too quickly, I've got all these excess thoughts that pop into my head late at night when I'm trying to switch my brain off.  Instead my brain plays its own little game of jump rope, hopping from one subject to another, obsessing over tiny details until I finally give up and read my book instead.  Hubby has always been a night owl.  He stays up way later than he should, but when he's ready to sleep he's out like a light.  Bombs could go off at the foot of the bed and he wouldn't even flinch.  Usually when I'm tossing and turning this attribute of his bugs me.  Mostly because I want him to wake, wrap me in his arms and transfer some of his calm, restfulness to me by osmosis.  But these last two nights have been a bit different.  As I lay wide awake last night, fidgeting intentionally to wake him, I realised that he too probably worries like I do.  He just doesn't tell me every little detail because he knows that would intensify my own anxieties.  

Since learning of our infertility and making plans for our future, timelines have become very important to me.  I guess I could blame all the cycle charting and appointment making that comes along with treatments.  Who knows?  But there is something so determined in me to achieve a goal in our designated time period, that I will go out of my mind crazy trying to make it happen.  Doesn't even matter the goal, really.  It could be as mundane as having to have all the washing folded by 5pm every Sunday night.  If it's not done on time, it throws everything off balance.  Believe me, schedules are important in my calculating brain.  Problem is, not everyone and everything sticks to MY schedule.  In fact, I can't even stick to my own, somewhat unrealistic schedules (take this blog a day, for example).  ANYWAY, Hubby also picked up on this fact, and has had the monster task of calming my crazy self when I flip out for no apparent reason, and he's doing an AMAZING job too!

So, the last two nights I have lay in bed, wishing he would wake and comfort, but instead have let him sleep.  I have listened to the sound of his breathing, deep and heavy in dream, and this has brought me all the comfort I needed.  I am so grateful for my Husband.  I am so much a better, calmer version of myself in his presence.  He is teaching me how to be this in his absence too.  I am grateful to have my beloved lay next to me every night, and to feel safe and secure in the sounds of his breath.  I am grateful to share our burdens and not feel alone.

1 comment:

  1. This year IS flying by at an alarming speed! You are so right. I still keep thinking it is the beginning of the year. I am very grateful for my husband too, he truly is the best thing that ever happened to me.